00:00:03:08 - 00:00:17:00
Chris
Hello and welcome to the ending body Burnout show. We are your host, Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood and gut issues.
00:00:17:01 - 00:00:22:17
Filly
Well, business, addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal.
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Filly
And it's a major contributor to health issues.
00:00:25:01 - 00:00:38:05
Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
00:00:38:06 - 00:00:42:03
Filly
So get ready to heal your body, get your spark back.
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Filly
Deeply, connect with yourself, and step into the life of your dreams.
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Filly
Let's dive in.
00:00:57:16 - 00:01:20:20
Filly
Hello! Welcome to the podcast today. You are blessed to have another Live at Root Cause coaching session. These are definitely one of the most listened to podcast on Apple Podcasts, in terms of the different themes and styles of episodes that we do. So today, Chris coaches one of our gorgeous clients, Rachel, on the podcast podcast all about letting go of shame.
00:01:20:20 - 00:01:46:15
Filly
It is a big one for a lot of people who get stuck in busy, burnt out patterns, letting go of over responsibility, self-doubt, bad girl beliefs, and moving towards embracing enoughness. So it's a really, really a rare honour to be able to listen in on these very personal coaching sessions. Or a big thank you to the gorgeous Rachel for allowing us to publish these.
00:01:46:15 - 00:02:15:11
Filly
And so just being so honest and raw and vulnerable in this coaching session. And I also encourage you, the listeners, to give Rachel some virtual energetic love and compassion as you listen to this really intimate conversation, you might even find yourself resonating with some of the struggles that Rachel experiences, some of the beliefs that she talks about, some of the past experiences, that have brought to the surface.
00:02:15:11 - 00:02:42:06
Filly
But there are a lot of commonalities with a lot of our clients insight, our ending body burn out method. And if your heart is resonating with our style, a holistic root root cause healing and you're done, you're done trying to Band-Aid or manage your symptoms using surface level lifestyle strategies or, you know, only supplemental diet protocols. Then guess what?
00:02:42:06 - 00:03:08:01
Filly
And in just a couple of weeks, we are opening the door again to the Ending body Burnout Method program. This is the first time we've opened the doors in the last five months, so we're super excited to welcome in some gorgeous new souls into the program. If you're interested in learning more about how you can work with us, just head down to the show notes and there'll be a link there, and you can pop your name down on the waitlist for the ending body burnout method.
00:03:08:01 - 00:03:30:06
Filly
Benefit of going on the waitlist is that we will open up the doors to you 48 hours prior to the rest of the public, and that means that you can get first dibs on a spot. The program does include one on one consulting and coaching, such as what you're about to experience today. So and we do sell out at the end of launch.
00:03:30:06 - 00:03:56:05
Filly
So you cannabis but sooner rather than later. And also you can get access to over $500 worth of early bird bonuses. So definitely worth jumping on the white leads if you're keen. Also, if you are interested in learning more, maybe there's something that touches you in this episode. Maybe it's like, oh, this is a different way of looking at health and chronic health issues and nervous system dysregulation.
00:03:56:07 - 00:04:23:06
Filly
We will be sharing so much more with you in February during launch week. With an event called Rewire Your Brain to Heal Body Burnout. And this is a free event. We've got a series of live workshops that we're holding. We've had over 3000 people registered to this specific event now, so it's a pretty awesome one. We get heaps of feedback when we've held it in the past, so you can check that out in the show notes below as well, and hopefully we will see you there.
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Filly
All right. Bye bye from me who head over to the coaching session now.
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Filly
All right. So we're recording and then I'm going to make you bigger on my screen. And if you feel like. And she she'll like. I'm not big on it. Can you say me big enough or is it just made you big yet? Cool. Okay. Awesome. Nice. All right. Well, so thanks for, thanks for joining me today.
00:05:05:04 - 00:05:53:01
Filly
I guess what I'd like to like to do first is just go over a couple of coaching frames just to, to make sure that we've got, we're on the same page and that we're, that we're having a coaching conversation and we're not having a, you know, a chinwag just, a chat. Which, I, I, I Chris the human am okay with doing both, but, Chris, the coach needs to make sure that he has coaching conversations and not chinwag, so, so coaching conversation for me would be we're working towards an outcome together and, as the coach, it's very similar to basketball or football or any other sport, tennis.
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Filly
I really just want to be able to help my, my client being you to, to work towards an outcome that they want. So before we get too far into it, I'd love to know what outcome you'd like to get out of our time together.
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Rachel
I think it's just being a little deeper. We've scratched the surface. But I do notice that I get stuck at some of the subconscious questions. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing there. And I'm thinking, surely there's something there, and I'm still just missing it somehow. Yeah. So I'm trying to come. Yes. From here and not in the head.
00:06:36:09 - 00:07:00:02
Rachel
Yeah. Little that so that I can understand myself better and realise what's going on and yeah, just connect with my, my true self, I guess, because I still run. Can I sort of pattern. You still got to do life. And I'm trying to angle it slowly in different directions with this new. Yeah, yeah. What's it called?
00:07:00:04 - 00:07:02:19
Rachel
I think we did last night with the.
00:07:02:21 - 00:07:05:13
Filly
The life direction and the power board and things.
00:07:05:14 - 00:07:08:24
Rachel
Yeah. The power forward that one. Yeah. Yeah.
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Filly
Cool.
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Rachel
Some some days are you some days under superbly tired and the brain just does not function at all. But like I just can't go there. And other days I'm okay. And then I just, I think, I just I'm not getting anything. Nothing's coming up for me. But it's like, surely there is something there and I'm just missing it somehow.
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Filly
Okay. Cool. So digging a little bit deeper, you feel like you've scratched the surface. You feel like a part of you thinks, yeah I'm, I'm getting somewhere. But, but really I feel like I'm scratching the surface. I haven't quite got deep. Surface level. Yep, yep. And you want to connect with your, your true self, do life differently, angle yourself in a, in a different life direction.
00:08:02:00 - 00:08:15:15
Filly
Yeah. But sometimes you feel you're you're you're okay sometimes. But then other times you just you're extremely tired. You said the word extremely so that it's not just like I'm a little bit pooped. It's extremely.
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Rachel
Tired. Yeah. For a few days in a row. Yeah.
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Filly
Yeah. Okay. And you feel like nothing's coming up, and it's like you're missing it.
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Rachel
Yeah.
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Filly
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool. Well,
00:08:40:22 - 00:09:02:01
Rachel
I guess belief systems. It's still things in there that I think. Oh, why is that still running? You know, example person one I guess my husband would say you are beautiful. And I'm still here going, no, I'm not terrible, but I'm like, stop saying that. You know, why is that still hitting? I'm sorry, but that needs to stop.
00:09:02:01 - 00:09:12:19
Rachel
Whatever it is. Because, you know, I've been trying to do that with my daughter, who's, you know, he had of teenage. And I'm thinking, why is that such a real thing for people?
00:09:12:21 - 00:09:38:22
Filly
Yeah. Okay. So as you're speaking, I'm, I'm, I kind of get what you're saying, and I'm running my own little Chris Chris version of that. That movie. But what do you. What do you mean by that? When when your husband says, oh, you're beautiful and and you said you've got some resistance to that? Yeah. Yeah.
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Filly
Can you, can you go into that in a little bit more?
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Rachel
It's like it is like I don't fully believe it because the head automatically goes, yeah, but there's other ladies who are so much more beautiful than me from our, but it just, it does it it's like a word that hits me. Stop. It won't penetrate. I may not thank you for your self. Thank you. That's very kind of whatever, but it's like, I don't I can't, I can't believe it.
00:10:09:14 - 00:10:32:03
Rachel
So that stuck there. I'm thinking, what is wrong with me that I can't believe that you know what is wrong. There's something not right there if you just. I'm not loathing myself, but I. I can't accept that. Probably because I've got an image of what should be beautiful, but it doesn't really. But even if I was that, you know, I probably still would.
00:10:32:04 - 00:10:37:17
Rachel
It would still bounce off for some reason. I'm going, oh, what is that all about?
00:10:37:19 - 00:10:42:05
Filly
Okay.
00:10:42:07 - 00:11:03:06
Filly
Okay. And, just for clarifications, you've worked through in our spot content, you've worked through, present state, dysfunctional patterns. You've worked through the past and and worked through a deep root cause.
00:11:03:08 - 00:11:03:17
Rachel
Yep.
00:11:03:17 - 00:11:32:07
Filly
And, and you've able to to to work through into to desired state as well. And and in desired state for those of you who don't know who, who are following along, desired state is where we, we kind of make amends and and, we, we have made amends with the past, and and the, the root belief that we have.
00:11:32:12 - 00:11:54:10
Filly
And we create a affirmation or statement that, it's kind of like the opposite of what we used to believe. And so do you feel comfortable sharing what your what your root belief was in the past?
00:11:54:12 - 00:12:06:19
Rachel
I think it was. I'm, I'm not important. So I'm not enough. I'm I'm not, we're not I'm not important. So I'm not worthy.
00:12:06:21 - 00:12:09:02
Filly
00:12:09:04 - 00:12:31:15
Filly
Yeah. And then as, as you work through the stuff in present state, you would have found some dysfunctional patterns, patterns that of behaviour and patterns of being that, that aren't working out for you anymore or at all.
00:12:31:17 - 00:12:52:12
Rachel
One being too busy and people pleasing. And like you said last night, I'm choosing to do all the things, choosing to put out all the fires. So I'm raising feeling like it's all up to me. No one else is going to do it. It's probably to keep people happy, to make sure everything's under control.
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Rachel
It needs to be under control I guess.
00:12:54:06 - 00:12:57:10
Filly
00:12:57:12 - 00:13:24:01
Rachel
Let's see other things that are not working. Reacting to things and taking offence to things was not working, especially if I wasn't understood in some area that was starting to escalate. So, like, this is not what I want. This is not me. This is not normally right. Those things were not working for me or saving me.
00:13:24:03 - 00:13:25:14
Rachel
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Filly
00:13:26:02 - 00:13:32:00
Rachel
Yeah. There's still the thought patterns of.
00:13:32:02 - 00:13:47:12
Rachel
Not enough. Even my husband has said, he said, you know. Right. She's always had this thing that she's not good enough. And there's that thing that it's just there, you know, I say people do things or study or do stuff, and my mind automatically goes, oh, I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that.
00:13:47:17 - 00:14:12:01
Rachel
And you, I have studied something, but, yeah, a lot of things happened, I think. Oh, I couldn't do that. And I don't know, maybe because it's just in the physical state that, I mean, and sometimes the mental state, I think, you know, probably actually couldn't do that. The physical fitness side is not there. So obviously you can't do some things in that capacity.
00:14:12:03 - 00:14:39:02
Rachel
Yeah. It's bizarre because I used to consider myself a fairly capable person. Now I'm sort of reduced to haven't got as much physical capacity or energy, or in the thinking wise, the brain has gone literally shrunk. Unfortunately had bad cases of anxiety too. So I just feel like as a reduced human is what I feel like.
00:14:39:04 - 00:14:54:11
Rachel
So they know myself in that way as well? Yeah. I just I couldn't do those things. I can't do those things. My husband wants to go travelling again. I'm like, oh, I don't know if I can do that. It's actually scary now instead of exciting.
00:14:54:13 - 00:14:57:15
Filly
Okay. But.
00:14:57:17 - 00:15:02:00
Filly
All right.
00:15:02:02 - 00:15:29:14
Filly
So there's a, there's a few few threads, few themes there. Rage. Do you feel comfortable. Would you be able to close your eyes and just take away your, your sight for a moment. And as you close your eyes. I don't know if you know what this means or whatever you think this means, but connect with your breath, whatever, whatever that means to you.
00:15:29:14 - 00:15:35:14
Filly
Just know that you're breathing.
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Filly
Notice that breath coming in. Just feel it.
00:15:48:02 - 00:15:55:00
Filly
And however your breathing is, however you're breathing. That's not right or wrong. It's just however it is.
00:15:55:02 - 00:16:19:24
Filly
And I'm wondering if you can just notice, not judge. Just notice that breath. You don't even have to say yes or no. You just have to just keep allowing that breath to do what it does. It does it automatically, effortlessly and easily. Just like that.
00:16:20:01 - 00:16:23:05
Filly
And you can notice that breath coming in right.
00:16:23:07 - 00:16:24:00
Rachel
00:16:24:02 - 00:16:46:19
Filly
And going out. Yeah. Yeah. Notice the qualities of it. Notice where it's coming in. I'm looking at you on my screen and I can see your mouth is kind of closed nice and soft. You're not forcing it close. So I'm imagining that that air is coming in through your nose mostly it's a feel that quality. Feel the air.
00:16:46:19 - 00:17:16:04
Filly
Feel the temperature of the air coming through your nose, the sensation of the air coming through your nose. And you might. I don't know if you like me or somebody else. Maybe there's one nostril that's doing the lion's share of the of the air flow. You know, maybe it's kind of even just notice what that is like for you.
00:17:16:06 - 00:17:38:08
Filly
And then noticing where it goes, is it going kind of into around your, your throat, chest, belly lap. You can see where that air is going. Just notice no judgement. You don't have to change. You can if you want to, but you don't have to.
00:17:38:10 - 00:17:43:06
Filly
Yeah.
00:17:43:07 - 00:18:05:03
Filly
And then noticing that you actually have control over your breath, even though it happens effortlessly and easily and automatically, you can actually adjust. You can actually manipulate.
00:18:05:05 - 00:18:40:14
Filly
And so on. The next breath that you take in, I'm wondering if you can breathe out just a little slower. Not too crazy, but just a little bit slower. Lengthen that. Exhale.
00:18:40:16 - 00:18:56:05
Filly
That's in. And just notice what that does to your body when you breathe out slower.
00:18:56:07 - 00:19:11:05
Filly
Yeah.
00:19:11:07 - 00:19:36:17
Filly
And as you breathe just consider some of the things we've talked about so far in a conversation so far. And allow your mind to to remember these things and notice anything else in your life. And we've talked we've talked a little bit about you want to,
00:19:36:19 - 00:20:05:11
Filly
Authenticity or, or, you know, your connection with your true self, this, this part of you that's beneath the surface, that's deeper. It's not surface level. We've talked about some belief systems that you've got that are still running. For example, when your husband says you're beautiful and there's a part of you that doesn't accept it or resists.
00:20:05:13 - 00:20:36:24
Filly
Or there's a part of you that that feels so busy putting out all the fires, keeping people happy over another one that's trying to keep things under control all the time. Or another part that's reacting and taking offence. Or it's scared to go on a trip. When your husband suggested. And instead of being excited, it's scary. It's unsafe for you.
00:20:37:01 - 00:21:11:18
Filly
Yeah. And as you allow these things to come into your awareness, just kind of like breath. What do you feel like would be the most important or or necessary thing to to resolve or get, get better at or get clear on? Out of all the things we've talked about today.
00:21:11:20 - 00:21:34:21
Rachel
And think feeling through my own body. My body doesn't feel safe when it starts breaking down due to the many different symptoms and things I've had in the past. Just it doesn't feel safe, at the slightest thing, whether it's got pain or brain fog or.
00:21:34:23 - 00:22:11:15
Rachel
Tightness, it just doesn't feel safe. It feels like it's going to crumble again. And, yeah, I'd like to be. Fully analytic and operational and actually able to enjoy experiences fully instead of partially for me, because the body I've been feeling unwell, I'm doing better, but it's just. Yes. It's not there yet. But the slightest hint of anything going on and it just still goes into, the modern anxiety.
00:22:11:17 - 00:22:16:03
Rachel
So that's just not helpful.
00:22:16:05 - 00:22:18:05
Filly
00:22:18:07 - 00:22:30:05
Rachel
And I'd just like to find out what is it that I don't, I don't, I don't like about myself or something like that. Find out what that is. It's still a.
00:22:30:07 - 00:22:36:22
Filly
Okay.
00:22:36:24 - 00:22:44:14
Rachel
I don't hate myself but there's just things that I notice are still there.
00:22:44:16 - 00:22:48:24
Filly
00:22:49:01 - 00:23:38:05
Filly
Okay. Okay. With your eyes still closed. Just notice when I say the following things. Tell me where in your body you feel this? It's anywhere. I will crumble again. It will happen to me again. I'm not okay, I am broken, I am sick, I am sore, I am silly, I am forgetful. I am you haven't used this word, but I am stupid.
00:23:38:07 - 00:23:54:23
Filly
I am not, not okay. I'm dumb, I'm disgusting. I'm not beautiful. I'm not good enough.
00:23:55:00 - 00:24:10:21
Filly
I hate this, I don't hate myself. But I'm not enjoying myself. I don't feel like I am myself.
00:24:10:23 - 00:24:13:00
Filly
Can you feel those things?
00:24:13:02 - 00:24:49:09
Rachel
Yeah, I can feel them in my heart. Yeah, and I don't. I don't hate myself or loathe myself. I don't think I'm stupid. I'm just not. I don't know where. I'm not other people. I haven't got what other people have got, which is not a great place to be putting itself. I have got things. I have got capabilities.
00:24:49:11 - 00:25:33:13
Rachel
It's just the lies that come up that you somehow entertain. I'm a bit quicker to clamp down on them now, though. Now I realised I pop up, Because, yes, the on resourceful. My health has been incrementally better, which is great. But I still do. I just have a phobia. I guess, of when my body does have malfunctions, that it just does scare me.
00:25:33:15 - 00:25:56:02
Rachel
Because I've had so many relapses and things that happen one after the other, after the other, and the body, you know, if something happens, it's just waiting for some catastrophic event again. And I'm like, I don't I don't want that. I'm trying to look forward and going, I'm getting better. It's fine. This is the journey. It's going to be okay.
00:25:56:04 - 00:26:00:22
Rachel
But yeah, unfortunately the fear factor is still there at times.
00:26:00:24 - 00:26:05:23
Filly
00:26:06:00 - 00:26:18:21
Filly
And is that kind of if you bring your attention back to your breath, into your heart or in your body. Sorry. Is that kind of feeling like it's centred around your heart?
00:26:18:23 - 00:26:45:19
Rachel
Yes. And where else? When it escalates, it'll actually go up into my mind and that'll create anxiety. And, I also, even when I'm not thinking about things, and it's a good day, I will still have, what I call a throat choke feeling. You feel like you're choking? Well, I will still have, constriction in the chest.
00:26:45:21 - 00:26:46:15
Filly
00:26:47:04 - 00:27:12:11
Rachel
That just is just there. And. Yeah. I can't really do much about it. I'm just going to live with it through the day. Sometimes it'll be there for a few days. It just pops out randomly. So there are random symptoms that just it just seems to just move all throughout the body.
00:27:12:13 - 00:27:52:14
Filly
I just want to clarify that that these sensations, these these feelings that you have, the constriction in your chest, the throat choke feeling that rising up into your into your mind, the anxiety, the heart. These, The sensations, if you notice them, you feel them. You can sense them.
00:27:52:16 - 00:27:58:24
Filly
00:27:59:01 - 00:28:43:23
Filly
But they're they're more about. It's like a judgement or or, It's not the it's not the. The health symptoms that you're talking about. This is an a health, type, for example, say like a, just a. Like, if you've had the flu and you're, you know, starts to run or you're, or you have a tummy bug in your, in your stomach starts to scrunch together and then you might feel like vomiting, you know, that these I just want to be sure that we're talking about the same thing.
00:28:43:23 - 00:28:55:12
Filly
Like we're not talking about a, a physical, like a bug or or a symptom like that. This is something that. Yeah, gotcha.
00:28:55:12 - 00:29:18:21
Rachel
Can be more like anxiety symptoms or something. But as I said, even on good days and I'll get them during days where something's coming up, you know. Oh excuse me. Well, it's going to travel. All the body's tired in other days. It's just they're it would just be there. And I've. I'm having a reasonably good day with nothing to stress about or think about.
00:29:18:23 - 00:29:34:00
Rachel
Yeah. And I, I have no idea what it's about. It's just there. And it was it was there over 12 months ago in a big, bad way when, when my body started shutting down.
00:29:34:02 - 00:29:48:03
Filly
What about now? Can you feel as, as you and I are talking, is there any sort of heart or mind anxiety, throat choke feeling constriction, chest. Is there any, anything like that happening right now.
00:29:48:05 - 00:30:05:02
Rachel
Not at the moment. More like maybe the possibility of tears if something comes up. Or yeah, that emotional side.
00:30:05:04 - 00:30:20:14
Filly
Is it okay if you, you give yourself permission to, to to feel those tears, to have those tears, to just let them come up if they come up to come out, if they come out. Yeah.
00:30:20:16 - 00:30:42:20
Filly
Cool. Because that would be your real self. That would be something that you can if you're feeling it, but you're trying to squash it down. This would be something that, is more of a suppressive. It's it's not you're not allowing something real to come up in you. Does it make sense?
00:30:42:22 - 00:31:00:19
Rachel
It does. I've I've had a few tears come out the past several months just randomly. And I'll just let them come out. I'm just tell my husband. Can't help, but it's just whatever it is, it's going to come out and that's it. So we have been doing that.
00:31:00:21 - 00:31:41:08
Filly
Yeah. Tears of tears. It's just sacramental fluid, salty liquid. It's more about the label and the judgement we place on these things. It's like what this means to us. You know, if I cry, it means something to me. So, imagine if you did cry. Imagine if you did weep. What would that mean to you?
00:31:41:10 - 00:32:00:10
Rachel
It's a release for me. Know otherwise it could be an acknowledgement of some truth or something. At the moment, it's usually emotional release for what reasons? I don't know, it just seems to bubble up and come out.
00:32:00:12 - 00:32:04:22
Filly
Yeah.
00:32:04:24 - 00:32:14:02
Filly
And it's. You can allow yourself to just fear what you're feeling and be in your body.
00:32:14:04 - 00:32:41:17
Filly
Without suppressing, without squashing, without stopping. And allow yourself right now just to take off the handbrake and see what you're feeling as much or as little as you can. You know, you might not feel a lot right now, or you might feel a lot. Allow yourself now to just lean into that. Let it be there.
00:32:41:19 - 00:33:12:05
Filly
And I promise you, I've. I've got a little life. God. Safety thing to throw out to you if you feel like you're drowning, don't allow yourself to just feel what you're feeling. Notice what you notice. Just take a moment to just let that build in you. To be in you, to sit with you. Just breathe through every breath.
00:33:12:05 - 00:33:24:17
Filly
Just notice. You don't have to understand it. Just notice it.
00:33:24:19 - 00:33:41:24
Filly
It's in.
00:33:42:01 - 00:33:54:07
Filly
You see what you see in your mind's eye. Hear what you hear in your mind's is. Or don't hear. And. And you notice what you notice.
00:33:54:09 - 00:34:31:08
Filly
Leaning in every breath. Let it be stronger. And there's a real edge to this. Like a cliff. If you go too far close to the cliff. You slip and you fall into some sort of, Emotional down form. But if you stay safely back from the edge, you can see off the edge. You can see the view. Can feel the rush of air.
00:34:31:08 - 00:34:45:12
Filly
You can feel the wind. But you're safe. Go to that edge now. Reach.
00:34:45:14 - 00:34:59:23
Filly
Just let me know when you're really, really feeling the feels. Noticing the noticeable.
00:35:00:00 - 00:35:07:11
Rachel
I think I need a few more probes just to get to dig up something. Actually, is something.
00:35:07:13 - 00:35:08:01
Filly
Yeah.
00:35:08:01 - 00:35:08:24
Rachel
I mean.
00:35:09:01 - 00:35:14:03
Filly
Great observation. Sorry. Go ahead.
00:35:14:05 - 00:35:35:05
Rachel
Imma say the thing with the that resonated was the, you know, the husband saying you're beautiful, but that bouncing off me, I'm quite emotional about that because I don't understand why I'm still resisting that one.
00:35:35:07 - 00:36:09:07
Filly
So going to the edge of that, remember either the last time he said that or the first time he said that, or the most intense reaction time to to when he said that whatever feels the most powerful or maybe it's all kind of combined habits, says your beautiful. And just let that come back to your memory. Now.
00:36:09:09 - 00:36:21:22
Filly
Let me know when you're there. Awesome. And just remember when he said what he said.
00:36:21:24 - 00:36:31:10
Filly
And how he felt. And that reaction.
00:36:31:12 - 00:36:36:21
Filly
And yeah, yeah. Good job.
00:36:36:23 - 00:36:54:10
Rachel
Noticing the quick coming up that could you love me. And I just think about why does somebody hide themselves so much. Why do I not like myself? There's nothing wrong with me.
00:36:54:12 - 00:37:09:07
Filly
Yeah. Yeah, I'm feeling that. Don't go see edge. But just staying right on the edge of that. Noticing.
00:37:09:09 - 00:37:20:13
Filly
It's like you can feel, but you're not lost to it. Does that does that land? Yeah. Good job. Nice work.
00:37:20:15 - 00:37:46:09
Filly
And sometimes you might. You might feel that in your body somewhere, don't you? I noticed you touched your your chest or your heart just been just. When you when you do that. What what happened? What came to your mind when you when you felt it there.
00:37:46:11 - 00:38:04:13
Rachel
Just touching myself. Thinking why? Why do you feel like that? You shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't feel like that. No one should feel like that.
00:38:04:15 - 00:38:09:20
Filly
Yeah.
00:38:09:22 - 00:38:28:00
Filly
And so part of you feels. This. This shame or misery or this, this this despising sense that I shouldn't be like that. Feel like that. Have that.
00:38:28:02 - 00:38:28:20
Rachel
00:38:28:22 - 00:38:35:11
Filly
Yeah.
00:38:35:13 - 00:39:02:11
Rachel
I could tell a friend that's felt the truth and you know you shouldn't feel like that. But I actually don't know how to change that belief. I don't know how to properly uproot it and just say that's all I can tell myself logically in my head. That's not it, Teresa. You've got so much to offer. I remember. But it still impacts inside.
00:39:02:13 - 00:39:31:14
Filly
Yeah. So while you're there at the cliff, just. I don't know how this would be done for you, but do you mind just taking a couple of steps back from that feeling? Just take a couple of steps emotionally. Mentally back from that edge. And just let me know if you feel okay to chat about this.
00:39:31:16 - 00:39:32:06
Rachel
Yeah.
00:39:32:08 - 00:40:02:10
Filly
A couple. And if you feel like this brings you too close to the edge, like you feel like you're slipping just take a couple of steps back and it's okay to keep retreating. Maybe a kilometre back from the edge is your safe spot. Maybe a centimetre is your safe spot. It doesn't matter. So you're feeling safe now. A part of you feels and believes.
00:40:02:12 - 00:40:28:17
Filly
That's not true. I. I don't hate myself. I am good enough, I am beautiful, I'm so grateful a part of you feels this. This love or acceptance, doesn't it? That that you are. You do have nothing wrong with you. Yeah.
00:40:28:19 - 00:40:38:11
Filly
And then you've you've also got a part of you that that actually does believe that you've got something wrong. Is that right?
00:40:38:13 - 00:40:39:07
Rachel
Yeah.
00:40:39:09 - 00:40:46:04
Filly
Yeah.
00:40:46:06 - 00:40:59:17
Filly
And if you have a look underneath that and you have a conversation with that part of you that feels like it's not good enough.
00:40:59:19 - 00:41:34:16
Filly
Do you mind if we have a chat to that part of you that feels like. Yeah, I just I disagree with my husband. I'm not beautiful. I do, you know. Yeah. Cool. So whatever you need to do to that part of you that's more confident or accepting or loving towards yourself, just kind of let that part sit down and be quiet for a moment and turn your attention to the part of you that feels, no, I'm not good enough.
00:41:34:18 - 00:41:41:15
Rachel
Yeah, yeah.
00:41:41:17 - 00:42:11:04
Filly
Intuitively, where did this start? When was the first time you. So you're not good enough? Not beautiful enough.
00:42:11:06 - 00:42:20:06
Rachel
I think in in teenage years, I never felt beautiful enough. I felt geeky,
00:42:20:08 - 00:42:31:17
Rachel
Growing up. I guess the under seven thing, it was just. I didn't get really much attention from my dad. He was.
00:42:31:19 - 00:42:56:24
Rachel
Dead. But he was busy working and then into his horses and really wasn't engaged in family. You didn't really know how to be engaged with family. So I'm not blaming him. I know his upbringing, was the same. So he didn't know how to do any of that sort of stuff. But I do feel it had an impact.
00:42:57:01 - 00:43:31:08
Rachel
On my self-esteem as a female. Which, yeah, I've bought into the marriage that's just made it, you know, very tricky as a person. I felt okay, but as a female, not so much. Yeah. So I think teenager, was just a look at everyone around me, and everyone was so much better. Ugly duckling syndrome. I guess you could call it.
00:43:31:10 - 00:43:32:04
Filly
00:43:32:06 - 00:43:49:23
Rachel
So I wasn't. I wasn't the beautiful. I wasn't the smart. I wasn't anyone, but I was a good friend to the group of friends I've had. So I'm grateful for the group of friends I had. I'm not a good worker. I was a good everything else. But.
00:43:50:00 - 00:43:52:16
Rachel
Yeah.
00:43:52:18 - 00:44:26:19
Filly
Okay. And. And if you were to go to the edge of of this concept about yourself, your self-esteem, your, when you were growing up and your dad, your relationship with your dad, and he was more engaged with his horses and his work and not so much with the family, it's understandable, based on his upbringing and the things that he came came to the situation with.
00:44:26:19 - 00:45:12:04
Filly
It's understandable. It doesn't make stuff right or okay or it doesn't, you know, not to excuse any poor behaviour, on his part, but, you know, it is understandable and there's not much you can literally do about back then because that, you know, it's back then, isn't it? Yeah. But I, I think that there's a part of you that's holding on to a self-belief that you, it's kind of like a program, a filter that you installed back then that you carried forward into your what you call a geeky teenager, which is a label, a judgement, a shameful label.
00:45:12:06 - 00:45:25:21
Filly
You know, you weren't as pretty or as beautiful or as good looking as you. You were, in your words, the ugly duckling. But you were a good friend and you were a good worker.
00:45:25:23 - 00:45:41:22
Filly
And you had this concept of yourself, this filter, this, when you looked in the mirror of your soul or of your of your body, you saw what you saw. You notice what you notice, and you made, a meaning about you, didn't you?
00:45:41:24 - 00:45:44:20
Rachel
00:45:44:22 - 00:45:58:18
Filly
And so you allow yourself to remember you back then, and you now. Good work, a good friend, ugly duckling.
00:45:58:20 - 00:46:11:19
Filly
What was the. What's the problem with that? Why was that a problem? That you were that person? In your words.
00:46:11:21 - 00:46:54:03
Rachel
I didn't have any, real confidence. I guess, as I. Listen, Images. I didn't really think highly of myself. Yeah. It would be a low self-esteem issue. And that's sort of carried through life, I guess. I'm I'm capable of things, but I'm not the first one to speak up about things or offer an opinion or try a new thing or that's.
00:46:54:05 - 00:47:23:05
Rachel
Yeah. I don't think I guess I haven't thought of myself as enough to be doing that. Being the being good thing, I think is just, I don't know, I thought that was who I was. Maybe I was just playing it safe and it didn't work for me. Just being the good, everything, being compliant, being don't speak up against anything, all that sort of thing.
00:47:23:07 - 00:47:46:01
Rachel
I just complied with everything. Yeah. Don't knock up against anything at this. First, your life doing what I had to do, doing what I had to do, having some enjoyable things. But the more.
00:47:46:03 - 00:47:50:16
Rachel
Yeah. Just didn't think highly of myself. Really?
00:47:50:18 - 00:47:54:15
Filly
Yeah.
00:47:54:17 - 00:48:21:06
Filly
And if you were to put that into a, a statement of belief. Comply. Be good. Don't make up. Do what I have to do. What would that mean about you? Who I who were you? I am, or I was?
00:48:21:08 - 00:48:26:02
Rachel
The compliant person.
00:48:26:04 - 00:48:26:17
Filly
00:48:26:19 - 00:48:31:09
Rachel
I didn't want to get into trouble anyway, so I, I was just compliant.
00:48:31:11 - 00:48:35:20
Filly
00:48:35:22 - 00:48:45:04
Filly
Now what if you did get into trouble. What's the problem with getting into trouble.
00:48:45:06 - 00:49:03:10
Rachel
I took it really harshly, very harshly. With give it highly distressing for me if I was in trouble, if I'd done the wrong thing, especially if I was trying to do something right and got into trouble.
00:49:03:12 - 00:49:15:07
Rachel
It was highly distressing for me. It was like the end of the world.
00:49:15:09 - 00:49:25:12
Filly
And. What was the.
00:49:25:14 - 00:49:42:04
Rachel
Silicon failed. Yeah, the way I've failed. I've done something wrong. So I've failed my first speeding. Fine. Oh, I've failed. I haven't got an immaculate record any more.
00:49:42:06 - 00:50:02:20
Filly
And let's just say you failed. What would be the problem with that?
00:50:02:22 - 00:50:12:07
Rachel
Say, like I've let someone down.
00:50:12:09 - 00:50:16:24
Rachel
By myself.
00:50:17:01 - 00:50:43:23
Filly
They come back to you, but you don't have to think about it too much. And let's just say you failed and you let someone down. Failed yourself, done the wrong thing. Especially if you tried to do the right thing and you got it wrong. Oh, and that distressed that that harshness right? Oh, you actually intentionally tried to do the right thing and then it didn't come off the way either.
00:50:43:23 - 00:50:46:09
Filly
You expected I expected.
00:50:46:11 - 00:50:47:05
Rachel
00:50:47:07 - 00:50:55:16
Filly
Yeah. And I'm imagining that there might have been any experience or a few experiences where that happened. Am I right.
00:50:55:18 - 00:50:57:19
Rachel
Yeah.
00:50:57:21 - 00:51:10:11
Filly
Yeah. So allow yourself to, to remember those moments and, and consider.
00:51:10:13 - 00:51:38:07
Filly
What does that mean about you. When you try and you do the wrong, you try to do the right thing, but you do the wrong thing and you failed. What does that mean about you? Who are you?
00:51:38:09 - 00:51:45:20
Rachel
Anyways, I can think of is I have to get it right. I don't know that I did. I think of myself as a failure back then.
00:51:45:22 - 00:51:49:13
Filly
00:51:49:15 - 00:52:09:07
Rachel
Possibly. Sadly, those words still come out of my dad's mouth. I might be. There's a thing here. Like, Really? It doesn't affect me as much today. I'm much better with it. But, yeah.
00:52:09:09 - 00:52:28:11
Rachel
I just felt like I had to get it right. I have to get it right. Yeah. There's a thing. Things I would do in my adult life after we got married and had children, were working, a couple people would say to me, you have to get it perfect. I said, no, it doesn't have to be perfect.
00:52:28:11 - 00:52:29:24
Rachel
It's just got to be right.
00:52:30:01 - 00:52:31:04
Filly
00:52:31:06 - 00:52:54:13
Rachel
So I'm thinking, okay, maybe I can bring some things down a few notches. Oh, I wasn't like that as a kid, that's for sure. And I was an academic, and I wasn't high achieving. I wasn't any of those things. But I think having to keep things in order and I did have a small business for a little while doing day-care, and everything was top notch.
00:52:54:15 - 00:53:06:05
Rachel
Top ten, like, oh, yeah, no, everything's going to be right. It's just got to be done right? Yeah.
00:53:06:07 - 00:53:06:12
Filly
Yeah.
00:53:06:12 - 00:53:18:06
Rachel
And I didn't really know. I didn't really know how to. That bringing it down several rungs is actually okay. But I've learnt to do that.
00:53:18:08 - 00:53:37:13
Filly
Yeah. And imagine if you you didn't get it right. Imagine if you, you know, the what's the worst thing that could happen. And if you consider that what might happen if you get it wrong, right.
00:53:37:15 - 00:53:51:06
Rachel
I've, I've failed.
00:53:51:08 - 00:54:15:01
Rachel
I guess I would be the same as someone who makes mistakes. And you don't want to be seen as someone who makes mistakes. Is someone who tries very conscientiously to get everything done right.
00:54:15:03 - 00:54:29:18
Filly
And that's a rule used to live by for a long time, isn't it? I, I can't be seen as someone who makes mistakes. Yes. Yeah.
00:54:29:20 - 00:54:59:04
Filly
And that rule has got you to this point. You. You need that rule. That rule was the best rule that you could come up with when you were a little girl. You made that rule up. You had to come up with something, and then you stumbled upon it, and then you're like, boss. Yeah, that that's that's close to a win.
00:54:59:04 - 00:55:22:06
Filly
That's. Yeah. Okay. If I don't make mistakes, then that means I'll be okay. That means I've gained some degree of certainty. That means I can have control in my environment. That means I'll have connection that means have a dad, daddy, father, whatever you call your parent.
00:55:22:08 - 00:55:22:22
Rachel
00:55:22:24 - 00:55:47:09
Filly
He he will either accept me or, you know, even better, he won't one get mad at me? Maybe I'm okay with, You know, I like the connection, but but but I definitely. I'd rather that. But I definitely don't want him to snap or get angry or to, you know, if I can just be the quiet one in the corner.
00:55:47:09 - 00:56:09:01
Filly
Just getting things done unnoticed is better than being noticed and being wrong. What's. Those are all Chris's interpretations. But but what are some insights you've got about your your life as you've installed that role?
00:56:09:03 - 00:56:19:15
Rachel
Yeah. Yeah.
00:56:19:17 - 00:56:45:09
Rachel
Definitely brought that one into marriage. Not. My husband is not a bad man at all. I mean, he's, you know, got some habits and things that he, you know, things he hasn't done, which I would have like him to have done and whatever. But, I would, I would do without because I did do with it as a kid in the same sort of living way.
00:56:45:09 - 00:57:05:02
Rachel
You just you didn't know that you were missing certain things because you didn't have it growing up. Oh, yeah. The emotional support. So I vividly remember the parents having issues all the time, so I could not bring myself emotionally to them for any needs because I knew they had their own stuff going on. So that was a different thing.
00:57:05:04 - 00:57:37:04
Rachel
So I just did that, for a very long time, knowing that I'm missing something, that there's no connection there somewhere, but you'd have the you'd have the half arsed connection if you like, rather than the healthy connection. Yeah. So that same with my dad. I guess you would have a connection, but you'd be waiting for an eruption, or, you know, he's going to find out.
00:57:37:06 - 00:57:47:14
Rachel
He's going to become something, somewhere, somewhere along the line. And it doesn't matter what you do. It's it's not going to be quite good enough.
00:57:47:16 - 00:57:47:24
Filly
Yeah.
00:57:47:24 - 00:58:20:20
Rachel
You know, and I was I was the good kid. Is that good enough? But it yeah, I know it's out of his issues, but that, unfortunately, yes, has affected me. Yeah. It's always trying to get things right. Not being out to talk about stuff. Not being taught. I guess that it's okay if you make a mistake.
00:58:20:22 - 00:58:37:03
Rachel
Yeah, it's okay if you don't get it right. And, you know, for someone to teach you patiently about stuff. So I just got on with it.
00:58:37:05 - 00:58:42:24
Filly
Probably behind the scenes, right as out of out of view as possible. Just shout along.
00:58:43:00 - 00:59:10:14
Rachel
Yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Do I think, because he. Yeah. Sadly not not approachable person. Thinks is but yeah, sadly not. So yeah I didn't have that sort of, I guess stability. And didn't understand as a child that that was missing.
00:59:10:16 - 00:59:36:08
Rachel
But definitely knew as a child that I couldn't bring my emotional stuff to my parents. You recognise that one early along with the perfectionist thing? I guess doing things right. I wasn't even like that in primary school or high school. I don't remember that it more to became, after kids came along in marriage and trying to be organised and things like that.
00:59:36:10 - 00:59:38:22
Rachel
00:59:38:24 - 00:59:46:14
Rachel
Yeah. And just learning to live with that. Things.
00:59:46:16 - 01:00:12:20
Rachel
Remember that emotional support and without someone telling you it's okay. You know, it doesn't matter if you got it wrong or whatever and just trying to consistently juggle things on your own. Don't ask and support and just keep it going. Keep it going, right. Keep it running right because you didn't want to get into trouble if something wasn't done.
01:00:12:22 - 01:00:27:09
Rachel
Yeah. I remember my husband not having a fight about tomato sauce bottle. It's a joke now, but we ran out of tomato sauce and he had a big hissy fit about it on that day. And I'm just going, oh my God, I've run out of tomato sauce. And, you know, I'm having half an anxiety attack because I've run out of tomato sauce.
01:00:27:09 - 01:00:44:11
Rachel
So I've failed because I haven't stopped the pantry. And it's like, it's not that big deal. But it was to both of us on that day. Now we can look back and laugh, but I think it's a little things like that. I didn't do this. I didn't do that. I must make sure that this is done. I must make sure that that's done.
01:00:44:13 - 01:01:01:12
Rachel
I must make sure that all my bases are covered. Yeah. Which is highly stressful when you're living like that for, anticipating a reaction, I guess.
01:01:01:14 - 01:01:34:08
Filly
And, that's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful insight. Profound. I don't want to get in trouble for getting it wrong. Anticipating. You've got this anticipating, And so you might not have noticed that when you were growing up, when you were going through primary school and high school and all this sort of thing. But then when kids and husband came along, that pressure, that connection, oh, it didn't run beneath the surface anymore.
01:01:34:08 - 01:01:52:06
Filly
It full on came to the top like a pimple. It it it burst it with a little bit of pressure there. It came up. And the thing is, these.
01:01:52:08 - 01:02:10:11
Filly
These issues that you had with your father, these father issues, these some people call them daddy issues or daddy issues. They were. It doesn't matter when they came up or when they didn't come up. But they're coming up now. Traffic.
01:02:10:13 - 01:02:11:11
Rachel
Yeah.
01:02:11:13 - 01:02:43:08
Filly
And and now you and I get to have this conversation. So that was in the past was the past. But now is now. And in the past you were needy. You needed something from from your dad. You needed this affirmation. And you can't go back and get that. Not literally. But you took it personal. It made you.
01:02:43:10 - 01:03:27:01
Filly
Turn those events into something personal. You made it mean something about you. And there was a shame around when you did things wrong. There was a shame, a humiliation, a despicable illness around when you tried, but it failed. And it hurt. And so you isolated yourself. Kind of like you didn't want to pass along a virus. So you he stepped away, stepped aside, and you didn't want to let anybody else see what you saw in yourself.
01:03:27:03 - 01:03:45:19
Filly
But you didn't want to at least open open the door to failure up. So you just quietly chugged along in the background. Doing the things. As good as you can doesn't have to be done perfect. Just has to be right.
01:03:45:21 - 01:03:46:13
Rachel
01:03:46:15 - 01:04:13:06
Filly
And you installed that belief, and you in that rule, and you installed the rule of. I can't be seen as someone who makes mistakes, so I would rather not be seen at all. And then you fast forward to now, when the man he married says something to the effect of you're sexy or I love you, or you're so beautiful.
01:04:13:08 - 01:04:56:08
Filly
And it just creates a glitch in your software. Oh, no, I'm being seen. Eject, eject, retreat. Core program. Offended. Unsafe, unsafe. Alarm bells going off everywhere and your throat choke and your chest constricts. And your gut twists and all the stuff happens and your breathing changes in a certain way. And it all happens unconsciously, instantly, shamefully.
01:04:56:10 - 01:05:06:11
Filly
And it's not that your husband has said anything wrong. It's not that he said anything right. Even.
01:05:06:13 - 01:05:13:12
Filly
It's that you've got this old rule that you can't be seen as someone who makes mistakes.
01:05:13:14 - 01:05:14:17
Rachel
01:05:14:19 - 01:05:34:21
Filly
Because it means something about you. This is personal. You are in in your mind's eye, in your young girls. I.
01:05:34:23 - 01:05:47:20
Filly
What I am.
01:05:47:22 - 01:05:51:11
Rachel
I'm horrible. I guess.
01:05:51:13 - 01:05:59:20
Filly
Yeah.
01:05:59:22 - 01:06:06:03
Filly
Yeah.
01:06:06:05 - 01:06:15:21
Rachel
And I think it's hard to be. I can be me. But there's other parts that I probably haven't been free to be. Me.
01:06:15:23 - 01:06:44:18
Rachel
Because I've had to walk around on eggshells for a very long time and couldn't speak up. And you didn't have a voice. And that's carried into here because the husband's a shift worker, and unfortunately, they they're tired, they're grumpy. So same thing again. You've keep everything together. You do what you need to do. You don't say much just to keep the pace because you don't want the tired, grumpy person.
01:06:44:20 - 01:07:13:03
Rachel
That's all you're going to get. For the most part. So that same pattern is from through, and then again, for many years, unfortunately, there was a lot there was no emotional connection because he's just away working or he's tired or. Yeah. So that was very tricky. So my mind would go, do I not deserve love? I remember constantly thinking that I don't deserve love.
01:07:13:05 - 01:07:41:23
Rachel
What if I just got these, you know, crazy people and what can I have connection? Which is actually happening now. We're all talking about stuff since I've been doing this, But it's been a very real themes. I haven't been able to open up and be my true self. I guess I've just had to keep the peace would be the words.
01:07:42:00 - 01:07:51:13
Rachel
Just so I could have some form of connection.
01:07:51:15 - 01:08:02:14
Filly
Okay. And and I just don't think that that strategy is working out the way you want to, that keep the pace to have some form of connection.
01:08:02:16 - 01:08:06:04
Rachel
Yeah.
01:08:06:06 - 01:08:30:12
Filly
You'd rather have some form of connection so that you can have some form of pace or some, some form of pace. So you can have some form of connection and therefore it's you hide yourself, you suppress yourself, you don't speak up, you lock up that authentic self away.
01:08:30:14 - 01:08:37:12
Rachel
Yeah that's what's happened. And thing is.
01:08:37:14 - 01:08:40:21
Rachel
Anybody doesn't want to do that anymore.
01:08:40:23 - 01:08:46:04
Filly
Okay. Want to you want to run a different pattern.
01:08:46:06 - 01:08:48:21
Rachel
Definitely.
01:08:48:23 - 01:08:55:15
Filly
Okay. Well you can't if you keep having these shameful thoughts about yourself.
01:08:55:17 - 01:08:56:23
Rachel
01:08:57:00 - 01:09:03:04
Filly
You're you're a little girl in a big girl's body. All right? Now?
01:09:03:06 - 01:09:05:23
Rachel
Yep.
01:09:06:00 - 01:09:42:14
Filly
And it's time to grow up, my friend. Yes. It's time to stop being a child. Stop being, in this regard, I, you know, like, in some ways, you are. You're a grown, grown up woman. You're a very, very inspiring, very loving, very kind, very wonderful person to be around. Sounds like, but in other in other facets of your life, the ones that we're talking about anyway, you're showing up immature.
01:09:42:15 - 01:09:46:09
Filly
Are you showing up insecure?
01:09:46:10 - 01:09:47:12
Rachel
Yeah.
01:09:47:14 - 01:09:59:03
Filly
You're showing up childish. And and you're not okay with that anymore? I'm here.
01:09:59:05 - 01:10:04:07
Rachel
01:10:04:09 - 01:10:33:14
Filly
So it's time to put off that. Knock that off. Grow up. But you can't do that until you take. You take the acceptance or the or the blame. It's not. I'm not good enough. It's just that I made a mistake. When I was a little girl, I made a decision that I can't be seen as someone who makes mistakes.
01:10:33:16 - 01:11:03:00
Filly
And you cannot move forward until you. Until you accept that. Yeah, I yeah, it was something. It was either exactly that or it was something like that. For the longest time, I felt unlovable. I took it personal when, when, when someone, especially my dad, locked up or got angry, I took it personal.
01:11:03:02 - 01:11:37:06
Filly
When my husband now, or somebody else asks up or gets grumpy, I take it personal. It means something about me. Heck, when we're talking about this, you remembered the tomato sauce incident. And it's funny. Now you can laugh about it. But boy, back then. It was actually really. It was offensive. It was dangerous. It was hurtful. It was personal.
01:11:37:07 - 01:11:57:04
Filly
You said mean things under your breath, unconsciously about yourself. In the moment that he noticed that there was no tomato sauce, it was I am this, I am that, and they weren't nice. This or that.
01:11:57:06 - 01:12:06:07
Filly
What, what are some of the things that that you might have said, you might remember them?
01:12:06:08 - 01:12:39:02
Rachel
Oh, you take it as your own fault. This is the thing I take on was to call it negative responsibility. That's another thing that's been I've take responsibility for things probably not even my issue. Is that negative responsibility. There's over responsibility as well. If you assume responsibility for something it's probably not even your fault.
01:12:39:04 - 01:13:08:14
Filly
And I think it's important you catch the, the words, the language that you use because that's what you're doing. You're taking this negative responsibility over responsibility. But the words that you use the language, the statements and it's under your breath, like this might not resonate. And so this would be just an example. Stupid idiot.
01:13:08:16 - 01:13:38:02
Filly
What are you doing? For example, what's your in your memory of that, of that issue? You might have had some sort of language like that, that maybe you said out loud, but for every one you said out loud, you would have had under your breath. Things.
01:13:38:04 - 01:13:46:01
Rachel
I think it was more, I know I'm in trouble again.
01:13:46:03 - 01:13:52:03
Filly
Yeah. Here we go.
01:13:52:05 - 01:13:53:01
Filly
01:13:53:03 - 01:14:11:01
Rachel
And when we have things. Oh, yeah. My husband. I've had things where we've just misunderstood each other. I've said to him, but I feel like the bad girl. Yeah, I've noticed that. I noticed that's popped up a few times. I've said I just. I feel like the bad girl. I feel like I've done something wrong, I feel bad, I feel like the bad girl.
01:14:11:01 - 01:14:18:05
Rachel
Like I'm in trouble with you. And he's going, no, that's not it. Don't go like, that's the way I feel.
01:14:18:07 - 01:14:23:10
Filly
01:14:23:12 - 01:14:37:01
Filly
Okay, so that's the that's the shame element. I'm not good enough. I'm the bad girl. I'm naughty.
01:14:37:03 - 01:14:43:00
Rachel
Yeah. Just nothing I noticed as a recurring thing that could come out of my mouth.
01:14:43:02 - 01:14:48:10
Filly
Yeah.
01:14:48:12 - 01:15:13:16
Filly
Okay. So, so that's, there's some sort of despicable ness you don't you despise this behaviour, this action, this thing that you did, you despise it. You wish you never did it. And you despise yourself for doing it. I'm a bad girl. And I'm a couple again.
01:15:13:18 - 01:15:35:20
Rachel
Sometimes it's. I didn't even know I've done something wrong. Or once again, I've tried to do something. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it had an impact. Negative impact. And okay, you misunderstood it. So of course there's a disagreement. And then I just feel like the bad girl.
01:15:35:22 - 01:15:42:20
Filly
01:15:42:22 - 01:15:46:23
Filly
Can you see how you're taking it personally?
01:15:47:00 - 01:15:56:20
Rachel
Yeah. Yeah, when I get in trouble, I take it very personally.
01:15:56:22 - 01:15:57:13
Filly
So in so.
01:15:57:13 - 01:16:08:04
Rachel
Many words to the point that it actually it disables me sometimes. And now that worries me, because I'm thinking no one should fall apart that much.
01:16:08:06 - 01:16:11:04
Filly
Yeah.
01:16:11:06 - 01:16:14:02
Rachel
But it's something to do with my identity. Definitely.
01:16:14:04 - 01:16:21:16
Filly
01:16:21:18 - 01:16:28:19
Filly
So there's a couple of ways in here. Number one you can notice.
01:16:28:21 - 01:16:38:14
Filly
Actually before I even say this would you like some some insights and and some some awareness around this.
01:16:38:16 - 01:16:44:08
Rachel
Yes please. Yeah.
01:16:44:10 - 01:17:16:09
Filly
Okay so the first thing is. This disabling this I can't, I can't even, I can't do I'm, I'm I'm stuck. It might be a brain fog or it might be a physical inability or capacity loss. Any any time you notice that. Right. There has to be there has to be some sort of shame. I'm not good enough. I'm.
01:17:16:11 - 01:17:25:11
Filly
I'm wrong thing underneath that.
01:17:25:13 - 01:17:43:14
Filly
Not only did you do wrong, there has to be some sort of I am wrong.
01:17:43:16 - 01:18:13:02
Rachel
And that's how it's remembered. My mom said when I was in primary school, one of the male teachers apparently went off at me or something. She had to go dancing. She says if you yell at her, her brain freezes. And I've noticed that I'm not particularly good in arguments in for so defensive sometimes someone comes at me with something, I will my brain will actually freeze.
01:18:13:02 - 01:18:37:09
Rachel
I actually don't know what to say. I don't know how to respond. And that's not full on brain fog. But yeah, that's happened before. But in later years. Now it's everything responds from the heart because I take it personally. So I will retort to defend. But it doesn't come out nice. Yeah. Because I've held myself together to be the nice girl.
01:18:37:09 - 01:18:47:17
Rachel
There you go. There's another word. Nice girl. I'm the nice girl. For years.
01:18:47:19 - 01:18:51:11
Filly
Yeah. That's your. That's your character. That's the. And I.
01:18:51:13 - 01:18:55:10
Rachel
Would go,
01:18:55:12 - 01:19:21:09
Filly
Yeah, that that facade, that mask you put up, you wake up in the morning and you might put on, I don't know, eyeshadow or lipstick or something like that, but but whatever you do, you can't forget. Must apply, healthy dose of nice girl so that when you walk out that door, you've got that mask well and truly on.
01:19:21:11 - 01:19:23:09
Filly
You are in character.
01:19:23:11 - 01:19:24:21
Rachel
To keep the pace.
01:19:24:23 - 01:19:57:17
Filly
To keep the pace. Okay, so now as you, as you allow yourself to notice that. Yeah, I do take it personally. I feel shame when I get yelled at. I break into, safety and I freeze like a wallaby in the headlights, like a kangaroo in the road. Driving along and it just stands there. That's that's your your nervous system.
01:19:57:19 - 01:20:09:07
Filly
Threat detected. Freeze! Shut down. And it's only a threat because you've taken it personal.
01:20:09:09 - 01:20:10:21
Rachel
01:20:10:23 - 01:20:35:04
Filly
And you can manage that all you want. You can come up with with, identities like nice girl, or you can come up with behaviours like, I'm sorry, or you can. You can do things like a well-stocked cupboard or a well-stocked fridge. You can have all the strategies, everything.
01:20:35:06 - 01:20:37:09
Rachel
There's lots of prevention.
01:20:37:11 - 01:20:42:13
Filly
You're you are a professional prevention person.
01:20:42:15 - 01:20:45:12
Rachel
Yeah. Yeah.
01:20:45:14 - 01:20:47:24
Filly
That sounds exhausting.
01:20:48:01 - 01:20:49:24
Rachel
Yeah.
01:20:50:01 - 01:20:58:18
Filly
How can you possibly expect to be your authentic, most true self when you are constantly living other people's lives?
01:20:58:20 - 01:21:01:24
Rachel
Yeah, exactly. Just on high vigilance.
01:21:02:01 - 01:21:29:24
Filly
High vigilance. And it is so risky, though. So risky and scary, though, to not do that. Because what if they yell at you? What if they. What if they put the spotlight on you and say, Rachel, there you are. You did a bad thing. You did the wrong thing. You didn't even get the damn sauce, you naughty girl.
01:21:30:01 - 01:21:33:11
Filly
How dare you?
01:21:33:13 - 01:21:54:23
Rachel
This is your job. Yeah, yeah. Words are a big impact really. My love language is words of affirmation. So words have a huge impact. It's it's just I wish I could just filter it out but I actually have a lot of trouble doing that. You know, my husband is, Don't worry about him. Don't worry about what I say.
01:21:54:23 - 01:21:59:10
Rachel
I don't worry about what I say, and I get I can't help it. It just impacts.
01:21:59:12 - 01:22:04:05
Filly
01:22:04:15 - 01:22:34:05
Filly
It just impacts now it can't impact you if it's not true. If I say Rachel you know what you're a you, you know the problem with you Rachel is you have I don't know what's something something stupid offensive. You're purple. You know like what. What do you what do you mean like. Yeah. You're purple.
01:22:34:07 - 01:22:38:23
Filly
And then it just doesn't. It doesn't land. It's just not even offensive.
01:22:39:00 - 01:22:40:16
Rachel
01:22:40:18 - 01:23:08:20
Filly
Or if I call you, you're a chicken giblet. You're like, oh, my, my. Well, what? I was just kind of funny because it's just doesn't it doesn't resonate. You can't take it personally, you know. But if I say something, something really personal. You know what, Rachel? You're you're you're so you're such a bad wife that you can't even stop the sauce.
01:23:08:22 - 01:23:17:12
Filly
Look at you. Yeah. You had all this time to go out and buy the sauce, and you didn't because, like, wow, okay, now that hits.
01:23:17:14 - 01:23:34:17
Rachel
Yeah. And it did. You know, I can't believe you didn't. Bonnie tomato sauce and all you and oh my God, what is the big deal. Can you dislike go plan B? You know. But then you know, like, oh, it's my fault. Wasn't my fault, but it's my fault, apparently. And, you've this recalled another memory.
01:23:34:17 - 01:23:36:23
Filly
It's about.
01:23:37:00 - 01:23:59:07
Rachel
20 years ago. And my cousin, she's a girl. When you're older than me, she's lovely. But she said something about something I didn't. She's. Oh, you silly thing. Just laughing in jest. Because she talks like that all the time, and I rotate around saying I'm not a silly cause it really hurt. Okay? I'm not a silly. That's not who I am.
01:23:59:09 - 01:24:09:22
Rachel
Yeah. So it's it's like I know that I'm not that, but I will still take offence to stuff. And I'm like, oh, I want to be like this. My dad is so like this, and I don't want to be like this.
01:24:09:24 - 01:24:11:05
Filly
01:24:11:07 - 01:24:12:21
Rachel
The misery life.
01:24:12:23 - 01:24:48:05
Filly
Okay, so now the mission is there's four, four levels to this unconscious, unskilled or unconscious incompetence. Conscious, skilled or conscious. Oh, sorry. Conscious incompetence. Hang on. I'm going to start again. Unconscious incompetence. Conscious incompetence. Conscious competence, unconscious competence. So you can go from I don't even know that this is an issue. When I was in high school, when I was in primary school, I didn't even think about it this way until kids and husband came along.
01:24:48:07 - 01:24:56:20
Filly
So unconscious incompetence. Then you went to. Now I know that I've got an issue.
01:24:56:22 - 01:25:23:09
Filly
And then you're in the transition point right now with the work that you and I affiliate doing with each other, and you're doing with yourself, you're going from I know I've got an issue to I know I don't have an issue and you're transitioning into changing your belief about yourself, but you have to do it consciously right now because you're not in the fourth one.
01:25:23:11 - 01:25:56:14
Filly
Unconscious competence. You're not. You know, if you were to close your eyes and, turn the lights off and all this sort of stuff, you could still tie your shoes. But when you're a really little girl, you couldn't. And so right now, you're in this phase of, okay, I have to consciously change my mind. I can't consciously work on these unconscious beliefs.
01:25:56:16 - 01:26:22:09
Filly
Any time, any time you blow a fuse or have a fuse blown, there is shame you're taking it personally. Right underneath it there's shame. And a fuse stands for any time you get frustrated, any time you have an uncomfortable sensation.
01:26:22:11 - 01:26:23:05
Rachel
01:26:23:07 - 01:26:28:05
Filly
Or an emotional situation. So that's an acronym. Fuses.
01:26:28:07 - 01:26:29:08
Rachel
You see it.
01:26:29:10 - 01:26:35:20
Filly
Any time that happens you know that you're taking it personally.
01:26:35:22 - 01:26:37:03
Rachel
01:26:37:05 - 01:27:07:21
Filly
And the good news about that is that. Okay. Cool. Okay. Here we go. I'm in the game. The coaches put me in I'm on the field I'm on the court. Oh here I go. The ball's kicked to me. The ball's past me I'm ready. I'm in game time. And now it's your turn to be consciously saying I am.
01:27:07:23 - 01:27:32:14
Filly
Now you have to change, change it around. You can't keep saying I'm unlovable. I'm not good enough. I am someone who who can't be seen as making mistakes. I have to be the no. You have to switch this around. To what's what's, an example that you can think of as the opposite of. I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable.
01:27:32:16 - 01:27:38:18
Filly
I'm wrong. I'm a mistake. What's the opposite of that?
01:27:38:20 - 01:28:06:15
Rachel
Is, I'm unlovable. I'm okay. And I do tell myself those things now, starting to change the terminology. Like I'm lovable, I'm okay. And even looking in front of the mirror, I am beautiful. I'm trying those things now. The I'm a mistake. That's, you know, I funny because I was, not a planned product. My parents got together and I happened, so.
01:28:06:19 - 01:28:31:07
Rachel
But I've never actually felt like a mistake. As such. But all we've been talking about this morning, it's probably gonna be easier now to change the terminology and thought patterns, because you've brought things to the surface even more. I can see, the thought patterns. I can see.
01:28:31:09 - 01:28:54:11
Rachel
All the things that come up that are not resourceful. So for me, it's now like, now that I've got that awareness because even now, I'm starting to even a month or so ago, you're saying, something would happen, a thought pattern would come up straight away. And for the most part, I'd catch it every now and then when I'm a bit tired or a bit, just not great, I won't catch it.
01:28:54:11 - 01:29:13:15
Rachel
I'll be living in it, whatever it is, and then suddenly realise a bit later, oh, you've been living in that pattern. So now I can catch it, catch that thought pattern that might pop up. It's like, oh, I'm not good. I'm not, I'm not good at this, or I'm not worthy enough to do this or whatever I can actually catching a high.
01:29:13:15 - 01:29:31:11
Rachel
No, actually I am okay not doing this. I am capable, I am lovable, I am a good person, I am this, but it's having that awareness of what the unresolvable thought patterns, that actually helps.
01:29:31:13 - 01:30:00:06
Filly
Awesome, awesome. Yeah. Okay. And then in addition to that, can I give you step two? Sure. Okay. So, you know, these things are coming to the surface. You're aware and more than that, you're understanding that there's a shame element. There's, there's some main language that your it's not about husband or dad or your cousin. It's it's you.
01:30:00:12 - 01:30:27:05
Filly
Yeah, yeah. And and so that's the understanding element. It's the understanding. Yeah. And for a long time you've been standing on shaky ground. So now we understand that we pull the rug out from under you. We dig underneath you undermine this. We, we we pull down this this structure that you've made for yourself is not good enough for us.
01:30:27:07 - 01:30:58:21
Filly
And we we build something else. Yeah. We reframe it from the bottom up and in in spark you would know we use aura a you are a. So as you get out of desired state and into nervous system regulation, we use aura A you are a as a framework awareness understanding reframing and then apology.
01:30:58:23 - 01:31:32:14
Filly
And if you want to be your most authentic true self, any time you blow a fuse, any time your fuses blow, it's. Yay! Okay. All right, fuse blown. I recognise that I'm aware I understand it. I see where this is coming from. I understand that I am using shameful language to myself. See? Yet here's the example. Reframe I am okay, I am lovable, I am beautiful.
01:31:32:16 - 01:31:50:06
Filly
You didn't say this one, but here's one for you. I make mistakes, but I'm not a mistake. Yeah, I did the same. But I'm not a failure.
01:31:50:08 - 01:31:51:15
Rachel
Yep, yep.
01:31:51:17 - 01:32:30:16
Filly
I chose x, y, z behaviour instead of going to coals and getting the sauce. I accept it, I, I take it. Yes. Whoopsies. My bad. But that doesn't mean I am a failure. But I definitely didn't buy the sauce. And so then you need to apologise. I'm. I'm sorry I thought this about myself. I'm. I'm sorry that I thought these these things for the longest time.
01:32:30:16 - 01:32:50:05
Filly
And my belief, my believable plan is that any time in the future, I see myself in the mirror. Or that my husband says, you're beautiful, you're sexy. Or any time I get a compromise, say something.
01:32:50:07 - 01:32:51:01
Rachel
01:32:51:03 - 01:33:01:12
Filly
Could be thank you. Or it could be, oh, thank you. Oh. You're awesome. Or stop it. Whatever.
01:33:01:14 - 01:33:03:13
Rachel
Yeah.
01:33:03:15 - 01:33:39:02
Filly
So I guess my invitation to you would be for homework for you would be all right. How can I how can I apologise? How can I make up to myself to grow up, to level up, to become the woman that I want to become? Going forwards? How can I stand in the face of adversity and, maybe even, words and actions and insults perhaps, or.
01:33:39:04 - 01:33:55:00
Filly
The sauce bottle moments of my life and not take it personal because I am enough. And that would be your homework is to make a believable plan.
01:33:55:02 - 01:33:56:07
Rachel
No.
01:33:56:09 - 01:33:57:21
Filly
How's that sound?
01:33:57:23 - 01:34:29:07
Rachel
Yeah. Good. Good. I'll let you know. Anything else? Sometimes I still have trouble with filtering. What is someone else's problem and not my problem, you know, because usually I'll take things on board instead of recognising that it's actually someone else's problem. And I'm actually okay. Let's do that. Still pops in from time to time.
01:34:29:09 - 01:35:03:01
Filly
I think that would be the next, next thing to work on for you. Yeah, sounds like kids. So it sounds like today. We we got to a point where it was, like, understanding or bringing things up to the surface, and noticing that you were taking it personally. What what are some, some other things that you might notice that we, we got out of today or that you got out of today?
01:35:03:03 - 01:35:19:02
Rachel
Definitely the same thing. So that a, I toyed with that word in my mind a while back. What is it really? Shame. Is it probably just. Yes. Is shame in a way. So you.
01:35:19:04 - 01:35:50:23
Rachel
Hiding your true self away. You're not even sure who your real self is, but, Yeah. You're not acting up. You're too scared to do anything wrong or upset people. And there's a yeah, a shame thing when you have done something wrong or you have upset somebody. Yeah. And this carried the, way. And or is it not good enough?
01:35:51:00 - 01:36:18:15
Rachel
Unworthy. I'm unlovable. Belief with you. Just for so long. It's just been a an undercurrent. Okay. Yeah. There's a few undercurrents there that are just been with you for so long, and you just, you haven't realised that you're operating out of all that, and it's. So I have sort of realised the past couple of years that I've operated out of, feel guilt, condemnation, all those sort of things.
01:36:18:15 - 01:36:45:12
Rachel
And I'm thinking, well, that's not really good. That's not the way to live. But not understanding where it's come from. What do I giving why do I not speak up? Why do I feel bad about stuff? Whatever. React mostly and try and defend myself now? But I can see where all that's come from, because lots of things have risen to the surface now, and I'm.
01:36:45:14 - 01:37:04:11
Rachel
And the thought patterns that go with it that are not resourceful. Yeah. So now I know I can actually catch them when they pop up and do something about it and change them, turn them around. Because I actually do have that power.
01:37:04:13 - 01:37:34:23
Filly
Amazing, amazing. So if you would take a big, deep breath and, and capture these insights and, and store them in your body somewhere, where, where do you feel like if you were a literally physically put your hand on your body somewhere, that you can store these insights, where would you want to store them?
01:37:35:00 - 01:38:13:00
Rachel
In my heart, to ground myself really do it. Yeah. Just ground them there. I think I'll probably have a cry later. Just to to grieve. Yes. The person that I was, the person that I've had to have been, I guess, that I chose to be and just missed out on a lot that I could have been and could have done, I guess, probably grieve that, but, but yeah, just try and stay grounded and, just thinking forward and moving forward and having.
01:38:13:02 - 01:38:17:06
Rachel
Yeah, the forward goals, I guess.
01:38:17:08 - 01:38:26:11
Filly
Awesome. Okay. So if you store that, it literally take your hand and place it on your heart and allow yourself to remember the insights that you've got today.
01:38:26:13 - 01:38:27:10
Rachel
01:38:27:12 - 01:38:35:24
Filly
And take a big deep breath. And with your hand on your heart.
01:38:36:01 - 01:38:57:21
Filly
Store these learnings. Store these insights. And later on, when you grieve the person that you was in that you chose to be, you can stay grounded. And if you put your hand on your heart in the future, there will be a sense of courage, a feasible ness of empowerment that, yeah, you can do this. You can change your mind.
01:38:57:21 - 01:39:21:24
Filly
You can change your heart. You can change your belief about yourself. You can do it. You've got this. There's some steps involved. There's some work involved. But you yeah, you can do it. You've got this. And then allow that to to develop into a sense of accepting that there's going to be some effort, some forgiveness for the past.
01:39:22:02 - 01:39:50:19
Filly
In the past is the past and it can hurt. But it's time to move forward. And you got this. There's some mercy there. You're going to grow and there's some understanding and meaning and wisdom now going forward. And and there it is. There's some love. There's some love for you, some love. And you can feel that. And as you store that in your heart, you move forward and, and there's some peace and joy that you can feel.
01:39:50:19 - 01:40:15:17
Filly
Because now, now you're really becoming a new version of yourself. The new version that isn't ashamed. It's not childish and immature. It's this part of you that that loves yourself, warts and all. Sauce bottle, no sauce bottle and all. It's you make behaviours, you make choices and some of them work out for you and some of them don't.
01:40:15:17 - 01:40:39:03
Filly
But you know above it all, you love yourself. You accept yourself. And when you notice that there's a part of you that that can change and you want to change that, or you do because you love yourself, I'm not changing out of guilt and shame, changing out of love, and you're way.
01:40:39:05 - 01:40:42:15
Rachel
Yeah.
01:40:42:17 - 01:40:52:15
Filly
And when you feel like you've got that all stored up, breathing and coming back to the room, clean your eyes and who. Hey.
01:40:52:17 - 01:40:57:06
Rachel
And.
01:40:57:08 - 01:41:04:01
Rachel
I was good to go through. I knew there's something else there, but I just couldn't. I'm having trouble dragging it all out.
01:41:04:03 - 01:41:22:21
Filly
Awesome. All right, well, I'll, I'll love you and leave you and let you sit with these things. And thank you so much for joining me. It did go a little bit longer than an hour. So, I hope that's okay with you.
01:41:22:23 - 01:41:25:06
Rachel
No. That's fine. It's lovely.
01:41:25:08 - 01:41:34:19
Filly
Awesome. All right, Rachel, have a great time over there. In. In a lovely way. Thanks. I'll chat to you tattooed on time.
01:41:34:21 - 01:41:36:11
Rachel
Yeah. Thank you Chris. Appreciate it.
01:41:36:15 - 01:41:38:05
Filly
See ya. Bye.
01:41:38:07 - 01:41:43:03
Rachel
Yeah.
01:41:43:05 - 01:41:44:13
Filly
Hello, and.
01:41:44:13 - 01:41:56:23
Chris
Welcome to the Ending Body burnout show. We are your host, Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi-award winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood, and gut issues.
01:41:56:24 - 01:42:02:15
Filly
Well, busyness, addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal.
01:42:02:15 - 01:42:04:20
Filly
And it's a major contributor to health issues.
01:42:04:24 - 01:42:18:03
Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic, root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
01:42:18:03 - 01:42:22:02
Filly
Sorry. Get ready to heal your body. Get your spark back.
01:42:22:06 - 01:42:26:07
Filly
Deeply, connect with yourself and step into the life of your dreams.
01:42:26:10 - 01:42:27:21
Filly
Let's dive in.
