00:00:03:07 - 00:00:16:23
Chris
Hello and welcome to the ending Buddy Burnout show. We are your host, Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood and gut issues.
00:00:17:00 - 00:00:24:21
Filly
Well, business, addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal and it's a major contributor to health issues.
00:00:25:00 - 00:00:38:04
Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
00:00:38:05 - 00:00:46:07
Filly
So get ready to heal your body. Get your spark back deeply, connect with yourself, and step into the life of your dreams.
00:00:46:10 - 00:00:58:02
Chris
Let's dive in.
00:00:58:04 - 00:01:17:16
Chris
Welcome to the ending buddy Burnout show with your host, Chris and Filly. We are excited to bring this episode to you. This is a really close to home episode. It's about not stuffing up your kids and helping them to avoid burnout. This is a pretty common question.
00:01:17:17 - 00:01:50:00
Filly
Yeah, for us, I would say almost almost every parent that we've worked with at some point has asked this question, how do I not stuff up my kids so that they don't end up in body burnout like I am? The reason why this question comes off is because, you know, process our ending body burnout method in order to get to the root root cause of body burnout, we go deep like we're not just sloughing around with the surface level stuff all you've got leaky gut or adrenal fatigue, or to stop drinking the alcohol and the sugar.
00:01:50:01 - 00:02:14:17
Filly
We're looking right down into the layers of you. And essentially that's like looking right down into your unconscious core beliefs and programming that is currently stuck inside your system. Now, if it's healthy and wonderful, then your body will be healthy and your life will be healthy and wonderful. If there's dysfunction showing up in your health or your life, it is because there's a deeper unconscious core beliefs causing that.
00:02:14:19 - 00:02:47:01
Filly
So this is why pretty much every client who is a parent asked this question, because a lot of this stuff will start in childhood. Actually, not a lot of it. All of it will start at some point in childhood, even before that person is developing health issues. It sets them up for body burnout later down the track. So then, because this is where I'm, first of all, the spoiler alert to this title of the podcast is you can't not stuff your kids up.
00:02:47:03 - 00:02:47:13
Chris
I love it.
00:02:47:19 - 00:02:57:11
Filly
And then a client will then say, well, fire up. That sucks. How can I at least help them to be a bit more functional? And this is what we're going to talk about today.
00:02:57:13 - 00:03:18:04
Chris
All right. So stay tuned guys. This one's going to be a really good one if you've got kids or if it's your kid. just listening. Send this to someone that you know and love and, hope you enjoy this episode.
00:03:18:06 - 00:03:47:09
Filly
Okay, so first up, you cannot protect your kids fully from causing them to be a bit stuffed up. And the reason for that is because it's not your responsibility. It's actually outside of your control. What your children choose to believe about themselves. So you can certainly do things and develop yourself to be a better role model and a better parent, and to help them create healthy beliefs about themselves.
00:03:47:09 - 00:04:13:16
Filly
This is all the stuff will dive into today's episode, but it's not your responsibility. It's not in your power to actually jump into their heads and their minds and create exactly what you want to them to believe about themselves. Because the thing is, bad stuff will happen. Like a child, every single child on this planet has had something embarrassing or humiliating happen to him or her.
00:04:13:18 - 00:04:25:05
Filly
And these, emotions, actually embarrassment and humiliation, the lowest energetic emotion. You're talking to that David Hawkins.
00:04:25:07 - 00:04:48:17
Chris
Yes. So shame, guilt, apathy. these real heavy, real heavy, energetic emotional states, they're contracting that dance. They wear you down. they're they're very close to death, you know, ego death.
00:04:48:19 - 00:05:13:21
Filly
yeah. And so a child doesn't have to experience big trauma in order to create these beliefs. This is why we're talking about embarrassment and humiliation. Specific. Because every child has felt embarrassed at some point. So no child will come out of childhood unscathed. So that's both for you, the listener. But also if you have children, at some point your child's going to decide to believe something unkind about themselves.
00:05:13:23 - 00:05:27:19
Filly
And that's that's a given. So it's not your purpose to be the perfect parent. I actually want to read, something from one of our past coaches mentors.
00:05:27:22 - 00:05:29:01
Chris
Is this from this book?
00:05:29:03 - 00:05:36:00
Filly
Shame in shame. And Fraser, he's written a book called Leverage How to Change the People You Love for All the Right Reasons and Get the Relationships You Deserve.
00:05:36:01 - 00:05:39:04
Chris
Might put a link to the book in show notes.
00:05:39:04 - 00:06:01:22
Filly
Yeah. So he talks about this parent archetype. a common issue for parents is that they find it difficult to let go because they derive so much identity and meaning from their role as a parent. Raising their children becomes part of their life purpose. No matter how wonderful it is to have kids. It is not your life's purpose to be a parent.
00:06:02:00 - 00:06:17:10
Filly
It means you will inadvertently. If you choose to make this your purpose, it means you won't innovate in adversity. Be using your children to validate your existence, meet your psychological needs, and protect you from your deepest fears.
00:06:17:12 - 00:06:20:06
Chris
Oh, I love it. Yeah, I love it.
00:06:20:11 - 00:06:39:12
Filly
And we wanted to just pre frame the conversation to that around that today so that you know, if there's any perfectionist listening or like I'm not doing enough for my children. you can just settle down knowing that the kids are going to get stopped off in some way or another. It's not about trying to be the perfect parent.
00:06:39:12 - 00:06:59:09
Filly
Your kids are going to make their own choices. And if you make it your life's purpose to try and be that perfect parent, then, like, you're just you're putting your own fears onto them, which never makes this nice. And it will cause more issues for the kids.
00:06:59:11 - 00:07:26:12
Chris
I, I love that quote. I, I would use my freedom to, to argue the syntax of it a little bit. I do see the beauty and purpose of of being a parent. I love I love that we have the ability to make babies. And and I think that is a very human need to, to repopulate the parent.
00:07:26:14 - 00:07:30:22
Chris
Yeah. Not not from like a raunchy kind of thing. Like it's, it's an essential part of.
00:07:30:23 - 00:07:31:17
Filly
Bible.
00:07:31:19 - 00:08:12:17
Chris
Humanity. Yeah. Yeah. Literally. And so I believe that that my personal belief is that it's, it's, one of our greatest, greatest, creative processes to become a parent. But I can see what James is saying is like tying our intent and our purpose solely to being a parent can can really open us up to limiting or can open somebody up to a limiting belief, and they can get stuck in victim thinking and, and, rescuing, and a bunch of other stuff as well, which will dig into some archetypes like that.
00:08:12:17 - 00:08:34:03
Filly
Yeah. I think the big thing around that is, validate your existence. So if you're using your children to validate your existence, that you're a worthwhile human being because your children, like, perfect. And they are always happy and well and healthy, then that's where things can get a bit kooky. like from a parenting point of view.
00:08:34:03 - 00:09:00:08
Filly
I saw that with myself when I was doing this detail, what we call metaphor physical healing. That, yeah, I was judging my children, or I wanted them to be a certain way because I felt that if they weren't, others would judge me as a person because they were, an offshoot of me, if that makes sense. And so I was trying to use my children to validate that I was not okay human being.
00:09:00:08 - 00:09:14:21
Filly
When I'm like, I don't need my children to to give me that, they could grow up hating me. And I'm still no, I still know that I'm an awesome human being and a pretty awesome mum to.
00:09:14:22 - 00:09:43:18
Filly
Okay, so that was a little bit Segway, Now, we wanted to talk about some parent archetypes because depending on the way that you might be showing up as a parent, there are different ways that this can kind of cause some stuff to happen within a child in terms of creating dysfunctional, unconscious core beliefs. so probably the most like common one when we think about, oh, that is a bad parent would be the abusive parent.
00:09:43:18 - 00:10:09:09
Filly
So whether it's a physical sexual, gaslighting, emotional, abusive parent, a child at some point, is highly likely going to create a belief that they're no good, that they don't matter, that they're not lovable enough, they're going to go to school and say all the other children, being loved and cared for by other parents and a child is always eager centric.
00:10:09:09 - 00:10:31:21
Filly
So what what just happened? And what does it mean about me? probably a little bit more insidious. Might be an absent parent. Now, that might be a parent who literally the child doesn't know the parent at all. they might have left even before they were born or more subtle is the absent parent who is working all the time.
00:10:31:22 - 00:10:55:07
Filly
it may be there or physically there, but not emotionally. I feel a little bit guilty, as I'm saying this, because I have had my children say, mom, mom, I'm trying to tell you. So why do you never listen? And it will usually be because I'm trying to do something on my laptop now. Again, it's not. It's I want to be a great mom.
00:10:55:07 - 00:11:20:23
Filly
I want to be there for my children. But my children also have the right to create a meaning around that. Some children will create some sort of a meaning that mommy doesn't love me. She loves work more than me. Whatever it is, there's always going to be things that you do unintentionally, and your child's going to create some unkind belief about themselves around that, doormat parent.
00:11:20:23 - 00:11:54:00
Filly
A doormat parent is someone who maybe, like, just gives to everyone and never to themselves. They might be the the parent who buys all the things, or does all the things, or does all the cleaning and the cooking and the the taxiing. or a doormat parent might also be in an abusive relationship themselves, where there might be a parent who is abusive and the doormat parent kind of comes in after the abuse is done and swaddle the child and like, I love you, I love you.
00:11:54:03 - 00:12:22:13
Filly
Are you okay? However, that parents very doormat, which means that they're not standing up, is as is, the role of a parent to protect the child. And that can create some huge dysfunctional beliefs in a kid. and then the perfect parent. So this is the parent that always wants to do the right thing, always trying 110% to be the perfect parent.
00:12:22:15 - 00:12:35:01
Filly
making making the perfect birthday cakes, holding elaborate birthday parties, maybe, like doing course upon course, a fun course and reading all of the parenting books.
00:12:35:02 - 00:12:54:13
Chris
Is this like the the the bubble wrap parent as well? Yeah. Helicopter parent that kind of comes in there. Like, I want to provide the perfect ecosystem and environment for my child to absolutely have nothing wrong, no bumps and scrapes and bruises. I want to make sure this is perfect. Everything. The conditions are right. Yeah. To thrive.
00:12:54:16 - 00:13:02:12
Filly
Yeah. And then so yeah, that helicopter parent is going to create some beliefs too. Oh we've worked with lots of clients.
00:13:02:12 - 00:13:06:18
Chris
Hovering over them like helicopters hovering over I don't know if everyone's had that.
00:13:06:19 - 00:13:29:15
Filly
Yeah. a common question like I'll ask a new client in the initial consultees, what was the upbringing like? What was your childhood like? A lot of the times they say, yeah, normal, lovely, love loving parents. But then when we dig into it, well, actually before digging into how they were parented, I then flip over to oh, okay, cool.
00:13:29:15 - 00:13:53:01
Filly
That's that's good. Do you resonate with any of these patterns? Perfectionism, people pleasing, overworking, over doing overwhelm, busy. And they're like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I'm like, oh, that's interesting. When did you notice those patterns starting? Oh yeah, probably as a kid. So even that perfect parent, at some point that child creates some meaning around that.
00:13:53:01 - 00:14:20:12
Filly
They're like, I have to be perfect to like I have to be the person who does the things. Maybe the golden child, maybe the straight A+ child. And then that creates a lot of dysfunction because they're putting the validation and worth onto what they can do and how they behave. So probably the best type of parent is just like the average parent gives a guy, gives it a crack, but it's like, yeah, you know, not awesome.
00:14:20:14 - 00:14:57:12
Chris
Well, I think about from a strength conditioning perspective, we we go to we lift lift weights and we get stronger. Not because the weights make us stronger. It's because the, the tension, the scarring, the tearing apart of the, you know, that that trauma in of the tissues that overcome the resistance and then the recovery, equals increase in, in strength, the ability for the fibres to contract.
00:14:57:14 - 00:15:31:15
Chris
more fibres contract at the same time more fibres exist. five is a bigger. And, I think if you apply that same principle to mental emotional to the first causes of things, to the metaphysical, I, you know, we don't get that growth if there's no resistance, if a lot of, you know, that saying, it's like, why do bad things happen to good people?
00:15:31:17 - 00:15:53:01
Chris
or why do hard things happen to, to the best people in the world or whatever? And it's resistance. yeah, I'll leave it at that. But yeah, if we have, if we if we had not got that resistance, we wouldn't have had the ecosystem and environment to grow.
00:15:53:01 - 00:16:04:11
Filly
Yeah. So we're not saying like be this type of parent, but it's just like, well, these are the different common archetypes of a parent that could be causing different issues one day.
00:16:04:11 - 00:16:26:19
Chris
Even if you are adopting these patterns and programs in and of yourself and how you parent your child, your child, one day their greatest mission will be to leave the nest, grow the hell up, be a big boy, big girl, adult, adult the heck out of themselves. put aside the childish thoughts and feelings about themselves that they had that that you probably played a part in.
00:16:26:21 - 00:16:33:18
Chris
And, overcome these limiting beliefs and become a adult.
00:16:34:00 - 00:16:59:05
Filly
Yeah. And so that circles back to where we started. It's not your it's not your life's purpose to be like, the perfect parent, to validate your existence based on your children. Because at some point, the hero's journey is that they they leave you and they they upgrade from child to adult. But they in order to be able to do that, they must leave the parent at some point, leave.
00:16:59:05 - 00:17:05:09
Chris
The village, go on the journey. That's what they're going to do. That's what you did. That's what you're doing.
00:17:05:11 - 00:17:25:16
Filly
Yeah. And also too if you're not a parent or if you are, but you're kind of like oh I can see how I was brought up and where my parent sort of fits into these archetypes. If you're still, if you're, if you have still got the validating badge on your mum or dad or both, then you're still a child.
00:17:25:18 - 00:17:45:19
Filly
And so like your job, before you can even do anything for your own children is to grow up road heap, grow up beautiful human like, go from child to adult. Yeah, that's like exciting. It's like we all want to be an adult. We want to be a grown up. Maybe some people might want to be children.
00:17:46:00 - 00:18:24:10
Chris
For, Yeah. Well, yeah. So. So you do everything, you're not broken, and you're choosing what you're choosing to, even if it's unconsciously. You're choosing what you're choosing for a really good reason. But if you can bring that deep to the surface, if you can bring the unconscious to the conscious, if you can, expose what's underneath and the first cause of the things, you can find more resourceful story, find a more resourceful way of being, find, a state that that more suits where you're at now.
00:18:24:16 - 00:18:30:05
Chris
And you can rewire these, these programs that you've got.
00:18:30:07 - 00:18:56:21
Filly
Okay, so you might be wondering, how do children actually create these self-limiting beliefs. So this is important to understand. So that you can actually start applying this for yourself and also for your own children. So before the age of seven, developmental psychology tells us that children are little sponges. So even before the age of two, 50% of a child's self-talk is created, which is just insane.
00:18:56:21 - 00:19:21:21
Filly
Before the age of seven, 80%. So essentially, the beliefs that we have about ourselves, which create our self-talk, are locked in before the age of seven. so when something happens to a child that egocentric, they'll always ask two questions what just happened? And what does it mean about me? And if something negative or distressing happens and it might not even look negative or distressing from an adult point of view.
00:19:21:21 - 00:19:54:06
Filly
But for that little child, it is very negative and distressing and, you know, we mentioned humiliation, embarrassment. It might be for it might be bullying, it might be shame, guilt, whatever that charged emotion is that happened during that event. A child will almost always create an unkind belief about themselves because we're also built for survival. So if something bad happens, we have to think the worst case scenario about life, about ourselves in order to survive.
00:19:54:08 - 00:20:19:00
Filly
and a child also at that age has a lack of capacity to make it like something distressing means something empowering. Their first thing will go, I must be a bad or broken or unlovable or unworthy or not enough human being, and they lack the tools to actually process that event in the emotions. So it gets basically stored and locked into the unconscious mind.
00:20:19:02 - 00:20:40:00
Filly
And this then becomes the machine that drives everything. So this deepest root cause belief that a child has about themselves as they grow up, they're going to collect more and more and more evidence for this belief. You would have. If you've listened to this podcast, you've likely heard mine, like my initial deep, very deep root cause belief was around being weakened, incapable.
00:20:40:00 - 00:21:05:10
Filly
And then as I grew up, things happened and I just confirmed again and again in my mind that, yep. Just another piece of evidence that I'm weak and incapable. I'm now weighing myself and I'm a teenager. When I faint far out, I must be like, so weak. This then leads to dysfunction. So the more that you're collecting evidence for this belief, the more dysfunction you get stuck in.
00:21:05:10 - 00:21:30:04
Filly
And that's where people get literally stuck in body burnout. So they it often starts is them showing up with behavioural or thought patterns that are very proved. Often the trying to mask or hide from these deep a belief they have about themselves that will show up as busyness, overwhelmed, perfectionism, people pleasing, self-sabotage. And then in this state, the nervous system gets stuck in fight flight, and then it starts literally burning out body systems.
00:21:30:04 - 00:21:57:14
Filly
It switches off the got someone starting to get now gut issues. It's exhausting. Your energy stores say you're chronically fatigued mentally. You think that a tiger is chasing you and the body blows up. PMS, menopause symptoms, autoimmune conditions, body pain, chronic health issues and these beliefs always trickle over to what you believe about your body and your ability to heal and be healthy to.
00:21:57:15 - 00:22:29:04
Filly
So they literally impacting everything. So if you can help your kids be aware of and unravel these beliefs early, or at least help them to not be so stuck, you're going to set them up for far more health and function and hopefully avoid body burnout. Remember, it's not within your complete control. but you can definitely provide them with a better process, better tools to be able to learn to become a healthy human being.
00:22:29:06 - 00:22:37:15
Chris
All right. So how do you help your kids? well, first and foremost, you got to do the work yourself, right?
00:22:37:15 - 00:22:45:01
Filly
Yeah. And that's there's several reasons. So kids will sniff right through you if they're, like, one of them.
00:22:45:03 - 00:22:46:05
Chris
Sniff right through.
00:22:46:05 - 00:22:55:11
Filly
You. Right, Terry? I can I can smell something sneaky happening here. Okay. I just made that saying I'm.
00:22:55:13 - 00:23:01:12
Chris
My kids probably, definitely can sniff me when I come home from basketball.
00:23:01:14 - 00:23:19:21
Filly
Well, it's the it's the it's the classic thing. Like a lot of parents do at home and let it control him. A lot of parents will say you can do anything, dream big. But then if a child's looking at their parent and they're like, you not doing anything with your life, how can I trust what you're saying when when you're not doing it?
00:23:19:23 - 00:23:39:19
Filly
So this is same applies to helping them to create healthy beliefs about themselves. If they're like, yeah, but mom's over there talking about how fat she's and how ugly she is. And and dads over there, like stressing about, I don't know, the garden. It's very stereotypical, isn't it?
00:23:39:21 - 00:23:41:21
Chris
Yeah. Maybe.
00:23:41:22 - 00:24:03:22
Filly
then then a child is less likely to actually follow in your footsteps. So you must do the work first. another reason is you're constantly co regulating with your child. So if you're really dysregulated, it's going to be a really big uphill battle. If you're trying to help your child create healthy beliefs and patterns. we do work with kids sometimes.
00:24:03:22 - 00:24:35:01
Filly
Nowadays it's mostly after we've worked with one or both parents, especially when it comes to a deeper, kind of like this metaphysical stuckness that kids and teens can get stuck in that then causes a lot of anxiety and depression issues. I would never take on a child if we're working on that type of symptom, until the parent does the work for themselves, because the kid will just go back into the dirty pond and all the results will unravel.
00:24:35:03 - 00:24:36:01
Chris
The third.
00:24:36:07 - 00:24:37:21
Chris
Dirty point. What do you mean by dirty point?
00:24:38:03 - 00:24:52:02
Filly
Well, well, the metaphor is let's take the the fish out of the dirty pond. Let's clean the fish up. So that's like, okay, now you have like resourceful, healthy, wonderful beliefs about yourself. We've cleared trauma, post distressing events on a thing anymore.
00:24:52:03 - 00:24:52:22
Chris
And that's the kid.
00:24:52:23 - 00:25:09:13
Filly
That's the kid. If the kid goes back into the dirty pond, which could be the way the whole family environment and everyone else is still, like, dysregulated and and like, suppressing, repressing their own issues. The kids going to pick up all of that energy again.
00:25:09:15 - 00:25:11:13
Chris
Kid's going to be a dirty fish again.
00:25:11:15 - 00:25:37:06
Filly
It's going to be a dirty fish again. And that same goes with an adult too. So I like the work that we do, especially when it's clearing trauma in these deep beliefs. if we have a client and they have an abusive partner, like the results won't stick because they're going back to an environment where they're told that they're no good again and again and again, either through words or actions.
00:25:37:08 - 00:26:13:11
Filly
and then number three is like the third reason why you must do the work yourself is because then you have the language in the tools that you've actually embodied yourself. So you're actually going to be able to help your child. So so the steps to take for yourself would be identify your own dysfunctional beliefs, then reprogramme them, clear your own trauma, all the like baggage that you stuck in the system around those beliefs that's causing you to be dysregulated and then continue to self-regulate as things pop up in the present and the future.
00:26:13:13 - 00:26:41:00
Filly
That's for yourself. And then when it comes to helping your child, be aware of your children, chat with them. Make it safe for them to communicate with you. Ask intelligent questions, help them to shift beliefs and big emotions, and don't tell them to stifle their emotions or their worries or fears. They're coming up to the surface for a reason, and if we constantly put a cap on that, it's going to show up in the body at some point.
00:26:41:02 - 00:27:01:08
Filly
the other one, just put aside some money right now to hire a coach like us to sort your kids crap out when they're older and they're ready to do the work, but also make this a really normal thing so that there's no shame or guilt for asking help. It's like, hey, everyone has these issues, and it's also possible to totally reprogramme your whole self.
00:27:01:10 - 00:27:03:09
Filly
Did you want to add anything else to those steps?
00:27:03:15 - 00:27:07:08
Chris
00:27:07:10 - 00:27:39:06
Chris
Heal yourself first. I think that's a that's seek first to understand, then be understood. you know, to it's easier to see the speck in somebody else's iron eye before you see the beam in your own. You know that that parable in the Bible, so I think, yeah, you're going to spot these dysfunctions in your kids, in you, in a freak out because you've got your own patterns of perfection and and martyrdom.
00:27:39:06 - 00:28:10:08
Chris
and, and, the I've got to be the perfect parent. I'm attaching my sense of worth to me being a parent. I don't want to stuff my kids. I don't want them to become like me. That fear by shame based. Why? Believing those dirty accusations you're making about yourself. Accusatory, thinking. fix yourself. Take that. Take that, dysfunctional way of being out of your story and you'll be a better parent, have better connection to kids.
00:28:10:10 - 00:28:32:23
Chris
You be an inspiration. They'll see that. They'll be inspired. It's going to happen. They might be actually, you know what? I, I actually can probably without, this is just my experience for myself and also observing this in hundreds and thousands of people. you probably going to take a lot of people off. Probably kids in your any part.
00:28:32:23 - 00:28:57:00
Chris
Not when you do start to change and grow and transcend this, this way of being. And when you get to a new level in and of yourself, you get to have new problems. and I think that fear of that is a block to actually doing the change to start with. So just know the problems that you'll have tomorrow and not the problems that you got today.
00:28:57:01 - 00:29:01:06
Chris
So fix the problems that you got today and then worry about the problems of tomorrow. Tomorrow.
00:29:01:08 - 00:29:14:04
Filly
Okay. Well, we wanted to end end off with this story. so this happened a few years ago, and this is to do with our youngest child. So we moved cities or towns essentially, and we just.
00:29:14:05 - 00:29:15:05
Chris
50.
00:29:15:07 - 00:29:21:11
Filly
50km. We didn't we very far, but it was far enough that we moved our kids to a different school in Sydney.
00:29:21:11 - 00:29:27:02
Chris
That's probably out of Sydney. Why isn't it like in Tasmania? It's just like around there, around the corner.
00:29:27:02 - 00:29:30:03
Filly
Yeah. It's like 20 minute drive up the country road.
00:29:30:05 - 00:29:32:14
Chris
Tasmania is huge guys.
00:29:32:16 - 00:29:56:19
Filly
Anyway, our kids moved school and Elsie, our youngest at the time, developed to tech. So she literally like just had this. Well she actually still does have a French but she it was really long and she would constantly flick her head to try and get rid of her French and like, it got to the point where Chris would have to hold her face.
00:29:56:19 - 00:30:22:04
Filly
If anyone's watching YouTube, you can see what I'm doing. And she would still be there teaching in his hands. So it was pretty intense and definitely she was way more emotionally dysregulated. So I would say she had anxiety. she was. Oh yeah, very sad, very touchy, very sensitive. always crying, very clingy. And this weird as tech.
00:30:22:06 - 00:30:38:15
Filly
Now, she'd had she'd had a bit of a tech earlier before we moved in. It was a bit of a she'd do this. We. So do you remember that one with her throat? She'd do this weird, swallowing thing that was really loud. And I actually think that it was probably, like a.
00:30:38:15 - 00:30:39:09
Chris
Throat clear.
00:30:39:10 - 00:31:01:01
Filly
Yeah. But anyway, so. So there are already signs that things were happening and bubbling underneath the surface, and then it really exploded when we moved her to a different school. anyway. But she, she found some friends and she had a nice little friend. She grew bit for far out. Like any time they, they didn't play with her or they played the wrong game, or they chose her to do chasey.
00:31:01:01 - 00:31:24:02
Filly
And when she wanted to be the one getting chased or whatever it was, she would blurry everything out to out of proportion. And she would, you know, every day it's like, how is your day, Elsie? It was awful that was her what? The first thing that she would say as soon as she came home from school. So anyway, I'm like, all right, I'm doing this work on myself.
00:31:24:02 - 00:31:40:15
Filly
Okay. I've got some tools. I can see what's happening here. I'm going to get to the bottom of this with her. So I sat down on her bed one night and just had a really good chat with her. And I just first of all, I just started asking her, like, what are you feeling? What's going on? What's happening at school?
00:31:40:15 - 00:32:02:01
Filly
And she could name that she was feeling sad, and that nobody liked her at school. She kept using those words. No one likes me, no one likes me. Even though I could clearly see that she had some nice friends, that they weren't bullying her. But she'd created this, meaning that nobody liked her and it was controlling everything.
00:32:02:03 - 00:32:25:12
Filly
So then the next question I asked her is what is it? What does it mean about you? And I use the term. So I remember as a kid, my mum used to always say, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you. And it's like, hang on, that's untrue because if you already believe the words that someone says to you, then it actually does really hurt because they're validating what you believe about yourself.
00:32:25:12 - 00:32:27:07
Filly
So I use that analogy with like.
00:32:27:08 - 00:32:34:06
Chris
Not only will it hurt you, but if you don't fix those stories and limiting beliefs that you've got about yourself, it'll hurt other people that you don't love.
00:32:34:08 - 00:32:57:16
Filly
And and she was able to get to a self-limiting belief that nobody loves me. And then I just helped to turn that into an I am identity based statement, because then it's like, yeah, okay, I am saying this about myself. I am unlovable. By this time she's like power sobbing in my arms, but in a really beautiful safe.
00:32:57:18 - 00:33:14:15
Filly
Like finally someone sees me and understands me. And then I ask, when was the first time you believed this? And she said, when we caught it straightaway. She's like, when you got when we got the dog. Mindi, which I think maybe was like a year or two earlier, I don't know, maybe a bit longer.
00:33:14:17 - 00:33:15:01
Chris
Just a.
00:33:15:01 - 00:33:18:06
Chris
Bit before or after Covid. Yeah.
00:33:18:08 - 00:33:35:14
Filly
I'm like, oh, wow. Okay. And and I'm like, I do remember that you were very jealous of that puppy dog when we got the dog. And then I said, was there anything else, anything earlier? And then straight away she said, my fifth birthday. You did everything wrong.
00:33:35:16 - 00:33:38:16
Chris
And I was like, what?
00:33:38:18 - 00:33:59:12
Filly
Like, I, like, tried to contain my surprise at her fifth birthday, where she just started kindy and she was so excited to go to school and then a few weeks later, Covid happened. Lockdown. So all of a sudden she's now no longer at school. We're doing homeschooling. I at that point to have my third body burn out. So I was very dysregulated as well.
00:33:59:14 - 00:34:21:11
Filly
and then she had a fifth birthday. I think their doors lockdown was starting, starting to open up bit. You could only have like two people come to your house or something. So anyway, I thought I did a great job with her fifth birthday, given the circumstances. Like I when I went over and beyond what I would usually do for my children's birthday.
00:34:21:13 - 00:34:47:15
Filly
But apparently nothing was right. We didn't do the right activities. You didn't even do the right icing on my cake. You did it the wrong colour. Oh, my birthday presents were terrible. You didn't get me what I asked for. And so that was like a huge life I did for myself. And it's like, wow. On her fifth birthday, she created a belief that mummy doesn't love me, so therefore I am unlovable.
00:34:47:17 - 00:35:09:06
Filly
And it had literally started building up in her system to the point that at this time she now was having like these crazy visible tics and anxiety. Oh So anyway, that was fun. But it was, it was actually like a really beautiful experience because I had the tools and I was able to help her get to the root of what was going on.
00:35:09:08 - 00:35:30:06
Filly
And then when she named that and I just gave us some different, some different alternatives, like what else could have been true, like oh, oh, wow, mummy didn't even know that she, she got all that wrong in that she hurt you. I was trying to do this, this and this. And it wasn't to justify what I was doing so that she would feel different.
00:35:30:06 - 00:36:01:07
Filly
I was just trying to help her loosen up the meanings that she made during that time. and then some other things that I did with her to help her start shifting these deeper beliefs and getting to a more resourceful state was well, at at that not, I said, looking to the mirror. And I want you to look into your eyes, and I want you to say I love you like now at that point, she could not like she literally just hid under her big long fringe and she's like, no, I can't.
00:36:01:09 - 00:36:26:03
Filly
I'm like, why can't you? Because it's not true. It's like, wow, that's like a real belief. There. so I just let that slide. And then over the coming weeks, I just did some unconscious change processes that we do with our clients, that our clients do inside our program to help starting to shift these beliefs and different events connected to them.
00:36:26:03 - 00:36:45:09
Filly
So for example, we use a an NLP process where you basically shrink the event down to something that is very neutral, and then you push it away or you blow it away or you pull it out of your body. And she loved that. Like any time I pulled out a process, she was just like, yeah, this is great.
00:36:45:11 - 00:37:06:01
Filly
And I mean, she had my full attention, which might have started creating some secondary gains around being unwell. But but it worked over time. I just did some really consistent things with her. and then even in the moment to sort of really help just clear this David belief and help her to get into a more resourceful state.
00:37:06:02 - 00:37:24:15
Filly
She had a bad day at school rather than, you know, just glossing over that and like, oh, that's what Elsie always says. It's like, why was it bad? What happened? And it was usually something to do with a friend or a teacher. And so literally, I would get her to close her eyes and to go back into that day.
00:37:24:17 - 00:37:49:21
Filly
This is using imagination work and kind of like releasing anger to go back into the past self, which is literally only a few hours ago, and to be like the rescuer, the protector for the younger Elsie, and to say certain things to the teacher that hurt her or caused her distress. And again, like as soon as she did that, it was clean.
00:37:49:23 - 00:38:22:09
Filly
She was able to let it go. And over time those onion layers just started unravelling. And pretty soon I would say, like the tics disappeared pretty quickly. And now, a few years later, I mean, she's still got some confidence things going on, but she's way more self secure, way more regulated, way more happy. And she hasn't had any weed health issues show up like she used to get a lot of allergies around her lips and have like gut issues and stuff as well.
00:38:22:11 - 00:38:55:00
Chris
I also know that as we've worked on ourselves and, we're able to better connect, more calm. We're centred, we're able to to be present. Elsie and I have a, a beautiful ritual of of bedtime. And where it's. We can really connect. We found some real commonalities, some some things where we can enjoy each other's company. we can communicate better.
00:38:55:02 - 00:39:25:05
Chris
And, and I think that that step, I wouldn't personally have been able to have the energy, the space, the confidence, the that that part of me inside of me, that security inside of me, I wouldn't have felt safe, aware of being able to be regulated at all if I didn't do the work on myself. and so and, and the carryover of that is that my relationship with both of my daughters is really beautiful, is really nice.
00:39:25:07 - 00:39:55:06
Chris
And, and it clearly shows. And, and when these, these insecurities pop up with, with our girls, we get we're really quick to, to, to identify them. We can laugh at them a little bit sometimes. we'll say this for another episode, but we had a recent one with the passport. Oh. and she hid behind her fringe when when it came to.
00:39:55:08 - 00:39:57:03
Filly
one. I guess we're going to be sharing it.
00:39:57:09 - 00:39:59:18
Chris
Yeah. What will, Yeah.
00:39:59:20 - 00:40:00:11
Filly
Okay.
00:40:00:13 - 00:40:02:21
Chris
Well, well, we've got passport photos taken.
00:40:02:21 - 00:40:04:09
Filly
We're going to Fiji with.
00:40:04:11 - 00:40:05:09
Chris
You, and.
00:40:05:09 - 00:40:08:07
Filly
And hopefully we might be in Fiji by the time this is.
00:40:08:10 - 00:40:10:11
Chris
Oh, yeah. Hello from Fiji.
00:40:10:11 - 00:40:11:18
Filly
Hello, Fiji.
00:40:11:20 - 00:40:37:06
Chris
And and Elsie hid behind a fringe and, and I don't know if it's like this over in your country where you're listening to this, but in Australia, you have to have a certain part of your face showing you can't just hide behind your hair. like that, character in Adam's family. Anyway, we had to take the photos again, and we put Elsie's hair up in a in a ponytail that is.
00:40:37:06 - 00:40:41:07
Filly
Right on the top of her. It's got a bit. She's got, like, this little fountain thing going on.
00:40:41:07 - 00:40:44:05
Chris
The perfect 21st birthday. Bring that.
00:40:44:05 - 00:40:46:09
Filly
She has a skull, a skull.
00:40:46:13 - 00:40:47:02
Chris
And.
00:40:47:04 - 00:40:48:19
Filly
She's like, I'm not happy.
00:40:48:19 - 00:40:50:06
Chris
Skull. You mean scalp?
00:40:50:06 - 00:40:52:20
Filly
Scalp, I do, I said that wrong scalp.
00:40:52:20 - 00:41:03:01
Chris
And and it was amazing. And it was such cultural for, And it was really nice. Yeah.
00:41:03:03 - 00:41:07:21
Filly
She wasn't she wasn't happy with the photo, but she, she can laugh about it now, but.
00:41:07:21 - 00:41:13:05
Chris
And guess what just happened like in the, in the last week. What. She's got a haircut.
00:41:13:07 - 00:41:15:23
Filly
Yeah. She has got cut.
00:41:16:01 - 00:41:20:02
Chris
It's so like as she gets more confident in and of herself.
00:41:20:04 - 00:41:22:23
Filly
okay. She just, she just wore pigtails to school.
00:41:23:03 - 00:41:24:18
Chris
And she wore pigtails. So, so.
00:41:24:18 - 00:41:34:08
Filly
Sorry. For a long time, she hasn't wanted to wear her hair up because she. Someone told her, I think it might have been me, apparently, that she has a really big forehead.
00:41:34:10 - 00:41:36:12
Chris
someone said she has a round face.
00:41:36:12 - 00:41:38:06
Filly
And someone said her face is.
00:41:38:08 - 00:41:43:23
Chris
Fat head. And, therefore you're not enough because your face is fat.
00:41:43:23 - 00:41:48:01
Filly
But she went to school. We kick tails today.
00:41:48:03 - 00:41:52:10
Chris
Yeah, this is all coming out really quick, and. And you might not be following this whole thing.
00:41:52:10 - 00:41:55:12
Filly
Yeah, sorry. We're like, processing things.
00:41:55:14 - 00:42:20:04
Chris
Yeah. So the moral of the story is, as you work on yourself and as you have some beautiful experiences in and of yourself, you can then emanate that and you can, exude that, that aura, that aura, of yourself can spread out to your, to your kids, and then they can work on themselves. But it starts with you.
00:42:20:04 - 00:42:50:17
Filly
And without circling right back to the start, without the attachment that your kids have to turn out a certain way in order for you to feel good about yourself. Like you're doing the work as a ripple effect on yourself and your family. But it doesn't matter if they decide to create a weird belief because you didn't give your daughter $5, they might have been very good reasons why you did that, and you can have the tools to help shift that in the moment until the next thing pops up.
00:42:50:19 - 00:43:14:15
Filly
Yeah, awesome. Well, thank you so much. This is a fun one. It was a bit different bit. I just felt it would be such a good one to share on the podcast because every client oh my gosh, awesome. These questions so they do the work on yourself. If you've been inspired by this and you're not in our program yet, doors to our ending body burnout method do open again in September so you can jump on the waitlist.
00:43:14:15 - 00:43:31:09
Filly
I'll put the link there if you don't want to wait that long. We do have some earlier spots open to start off with. The first step, which is to connect the dots initial consult so you can book into those. and also I'm going to put in the show notes links scorecard or queens that we don't share very often.
00:43:31:11 - 00:43:57:21
Filly
but we did create a skull card all about hidden trauma and chronic health issues and uncovering the connection between those because sometimes, again, like, I wish someone who had a lovely upbringing, I didn't have abusive parents, yet I still created all of the stuff that led to my body burn out. And so that quiz is a really great resource to see if there's something else going along this, beneath the surface at a metaphysical level for you.
00:43:57:23 - 00:44:19:10
Chris
Boom. Thank you so much for tuning in, guys. We hope you have a great day. And, you know what? Actually have the best day ever. Talk to you soon.
00:44:19:12 - 00:44:29:14
Filly
Thank you so much for listening. We so appreciate you. If you'd like to give us extra smiles, drop us a review and spread the love by sharing this episode.
00:44:29:16 - 00:44:55:15
Chris
You can also write your own state of burnout and the root cause contributors by taking our Ending Body Burnout assessment on our website. And if you're interested in learning about our group or one on one ending buddy burnout programs, shoot us a DM via Instagram or Facebook. Have the best day ever.
00:44:55:17 - 00:44:56:03
Chris
For.
