00:00:03:08 - 00:00:17:20
Chris
and welcome to the Ending Body Burnout Show. We are your host Chris and Filly, co-founders of a multi-award winning functional medicine practice serving busy people with energy, mood and gut issues. While busyness.
00:00:17:20 - 00:00:25:01
Filly
Addictive doing, people pleasing and perfectionism might be the norm, it's not normal and it's a major contributor to health issues.
00:00:25:02 - 00:00:38:07
Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic root root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplement hoping something might stick.
00:00:38:08 - 00:00:46:13
Filly
So get ready to heal your body, get your spark back deeply, connect with yourself, and step into the life of your dreams.
00:00:46:14 - 00:00:56:17
Chris
Let's dive in.
00:00:56:19 - 00:01:11:01
Chris
Hey guys, welcome to this episode of the Ending Body Burnout Show. Filly and I are going to be chatting to you today about our retreat and retreats in general, specifically about ours, but also retreats in general too.
00:01:11:02 - 00:01:38:05
Filly
Yeah, and more specifically, the subconscious blocks that I've worked through to hold this and retreat and essentially created. So the last six or so months I've been dreaming about holding a beautiful, healing, transformative retreat for our community. And really, the last six or so years, Chris and I have always had that on our dream board to one day start holding transformational in-person retreats.
00:01:38:07 - 00:02:02:09
Filly
But last year, I had an experience where my heart really stirred around this, and I knew that now is the time to start crafting, curating, turning this dream into reality. However, for the last six months or so, my rational, logical mind kept putting it aside. It kept saying to me, no, it's too much work. Don't add another project.
00:02:02:09 - 00:02:27:08
Filly
What if no one comes? What if we don't make any money from it, blah blah blah blah blah. And for many, many months I actually let my mind rule. Yet along the way, my heart kept prompting me to create a retreat. And every time I listened and I broke through yet another layer of subconscious blocks, I then started taking full blown action in this retreat.
00:02:27:09 - 00:02:51:15
Filly
Really, like in the last couple of weeks, has gone from just an idea in a dream to actually it's happening and people are booking in and I'm so excited for this to happen. So yeah, I thought that in today's episode, I would share what I've worked through and move through to take this dream into reality. And if you haven't heard yet, we are holding a retreat in August.
00:02:51:16 - 00:03:18:07
Filly
The Body Knows retreat. It is going to be held at The Cove, Tasmania, which is in northwest Tasmania in the most beautiful location. We have got beautiful luxury villas perched on the cliffs and the wild Tasmanian ocean is crashing onto the rocks. And the moment that you step into that space, transformation happens without us even starting to instigate it.
00:03:18:07 - 00:03:44:14
Filly
So I'm so excited, and essentially the journey that I went through to break through these subconscious blocks is essentially the journey we're actually going to take you through in the body noise retreat. So if you have been, eyeing off this retreat, take this as your sign to jump on in. Follow your heart. It may feel scary. You might have a bunch of reasons why you can't come.
00:03:44:14 - 00:04:01:14
Filly
It's not the right time. I don't have enough money. How could I leave the kids? Can't take a day off work. Whatever. Like if the heart is saying yes to this, you can make it happen and it's going to be magical. And I just know that the people who end up at this retreat in the room with us are the people who are meant to be there.
00:04:01:14 - 00:04:03:16
Filly
And I'm so excited for this to happen.
00:04:03:19 - 00:04:28:12
Chris
It's going to be good. Picture this when you're when you're driving, there's this beautiful, long, straight road. It's called the Lily coast straight in northwest Tassie, and it goes from Devonport to a place called Ulverstone. And and you're going along this straight and on the right on the as you're driving towards Ulverstone there is this huge bay, big huge bay penguins.
00:04:28:12 - 00:04:35:17
Chris
Little penguins come in and they've, they've got their nests in there. And so you can go to this conservation viewing platform.
00:04:35:22 - 00:04:40:07
Filly
I think it might be off season in in August but there's still plenty to see.
00:04:40:08 - 00:05:03:08
Chris
Yeah. So so you can go to this one one spot in Lucas Straight and the Lily Cove penguins. They come in. But then just up at the headland right up at the top, just before you get to the straight, is this big hill that overlooks this whole bay. And then you can see out in towards Ulverston and this place called Burnie, and then beyond that to to Wynyard.
00:05:03:08 - 00:05:27:11
Chris
And there's this thing called Table Cape. Google it. There's these wonderful tulip farms. It's it's magical. So from the cove where we're going to be holding our retreat, you get this on a clear, beautiful day, you can see just this amazing sweep of of northwest Tasmania. You go to the other side of it, hike up the mountain, you look back towards Devonport and where we live in shearwater.
00:05:27:13 - 00:05:38:00
Chris
Surreal kind of area out towards Naran Tapu National Park. Guys I don't my words are not doing this justice is it. Feel like there it is just like the most.
00:05:38:01 - 00:05:47:09
Filly
Even the photos don't do it justice. No, we live in, we live in Paradise. And if you haven't been to our little slice of heaven in Tasmania.
00:05:47:11 - 00:05:49:17
Chris
It's amazing. It's so, so.
00:05:49:18 - 00:05:50:23
Filly
One must come.
00:05:51:03 - 00:06:11:09
Chris
Yeah, and there's so many little nooks and crannies at the cove that they've done such a great job where you can sit and reflect. And so Philae and I have some beautiful, wonderful things that will take you through at the retreat. But then you get some time for you, with you as well, in the most healing and transformative place.
00:06:11:09 - 00:06:16:09
Chris
Plus they've got the coolest Highland. It's not if you don't.
00:06:16:09 - 00:06:17:18
Chris
Know what I'm talking about, look.
00:06:17:18 - 00:06:18:12
Chris
Up Highland.
00:06:18:12 - 00:06:20:00
Chris
Cows, alpacas.
00:06:20:01 - 00:06:22:07
Filly
They're just giant, fluffy sheep.
00:06:22:08 - 00:06:25:20
Chris
The cutest. Coolest cows ever.
00:06:25:20 - 00:06:38:05
Chris
And so as you're coming up into the cove, you go past these beautiful, creatures, and then you get to the cove. It's it's amazing. Guys, we can't wait to see you guys there.
00:06:38:06 - 00:07:22:03
Filly
Yeah. And so we are now open for bookings. We've already had a bunch of lovely body whisperers. We're calling our retreat guest body whisperers, because essentially during the retreat, you're going to listen in to what your body is trying to tell you and where it's trying to guide you to go, and will be breaking through subconscious blocks, stories blocked, emotion, using coaching, and also a lot of really bodily trauma informed somatic processes so that when you leave the retreat, you will be able to take beautiful, aligned, massive action to create what you want in your health and or your life.
00:07:22:03 - 00:07:48:04
Filly
So we do have an early bird special happening at the moment. So if you book in before the 14th of May 2026, you will receive $500 discount. So early bird special. After that the price will go up. And we've also there's four different types of villas available already. The cliffside villa is sold out and we only have three of the Lily Co outdoor hot tubs left.
00:07:48:04 - 00:08:05:23
Filly
So these beautiful villas are getting snapped up, so I definitely wouldn't wait. If your heart is saying yes, maybe not yet, maybe it will at the end of the podcast, maybe it will tomorrow. Who knows? Jump on it to the show notes and you can check out the retreat.
00:08:06:01 - 00:08:36:04
Filly
Okay, so let's dive into where it all started for the. So for the past 18 months or so, I have really been leaning into living from living my life from my heart and operating from my heart. So my old felt default mechanism was living from my head. I was like massively in my head all the time and trying to like, rationalise logic my way out of problems, getting stuck in the amygdala part of the brain.
00:08:36:04 - 00:09:04:18
Filly
It's a what ifs and I couldn't do that. And I should and I have dos and it was kind of exhausting. It was where a lot of my perfectionism, old perfectionism patterns were running from and overdoing patterns. And part of my own healing journey of healing from body burnout was really learning to understand the signals from my body and learning to lead from my body, which is a big part of what we do with our clients inside our ending body burnout method program.
00:09:04:18 - 00:09:32:08
Filly
And more recently, I guess my next evolution was going even deeper than the body and really understanding the beautiful intuition and wisdom that lives inside my heart, as it does with every single person. It's just a forgotten language, an expression that we haven't been taught to really cultivate. So I think about my heart as my intuition. It's the deepest part of me that wants the best for me.
00:09:32:08 - 00:10:00:03
Filly
And honestly, when you are living from your heart, it is the most magical place to live from. I experience more joy, more or more wonder, more happiness, and a really deep sense of trust with myself and life and the process of being in this universe as a human. So it is lovely. And sometimes, like I definitely still lead from my body as well.
00:10:00:03 - 00:10:25:13
Filly
Sometimes if I have forgotten my heart, my body will speak up. And and these are the skills and the techniques and the relationship with self that we will take you through on a journey during the retreat. So last year I did a spiritual transformational course with my meditation teacher, Thomas McConkie, and a big part of that was learning to listen from the heart.
00:10:25:13 - 00:10:54:03
Filly
And I was having many months of really practising into this, and something in my heart was calling for me to personally attend other people's retreats, and I was writing out or renewing my dream outcome and what I wanted for myself and my life and retreats just kept coming up. And I'm like, okay, cool. Well, I think I can commit to attending one retreat a year, maybe even two.
00:10:54:04 - 00:11:18:11
Filly
Is was on my dream outcome, and by one it would be a bit more of a logistical, plan to get there. So either an interstate I haven't attended an international one, but you know, even going from Tasmania up to Queensland is a little bit of a journey and requires some logistical stuff at home for me to be able to leave by myself to do what I want to do.
00:11:18:14 - 00:11:40:12
Filly
So as soon as I committed to this. I got an email from one of our past clients, Melissa marsden, who had just announced that she was putting on her retreat called exhale, which I attended last year, and I've actually shared my story on our podcast back in November around the wonderful, like, honestly, life changing experience I had at her retreat.
00:11:40:12 - 00:12:07:20
Filly
And during the retreat, I, I started this is where my heart started speaking to me and it was saying, hey, like one. This is a beautiful and wonderful experience for myself and I can see how transformative it is. Like I was literally struggling with a problem in my life and in myself for maybe like three or so months before attending the retreat.
00:12:07:20 - 00:12:35:03
Filly
And I was actively working through breaking through it and resolving it and was still struggling. And in three potent days at this retreat, I had broken through it actually in day two. And part of that was my heart was desiring more play, more creativity, more connection with others into the land, more spaciousness, more adventure. And there were three action points that I took as part of that.
00:12:35:03 - 00:12:37:04
Filly
So one was our four week camping.
00:12:37:06 - 00:12:38:13
Chris
When was Melissa's thing again?
00:12:38:14 - 00:12:40:20
Filly
That was last October, 20th October.
00:12:40:20 - 00:12:41:16
Chris
And then. Yeah. Okay.
00:12:41:17 - 00:12:41:22
Chris
Cool.
00:12:41:23 - 00:13:07:16
Filly
Yeah. So so we went on a camping trip for four weeks around Australia, which was epic. And that really was coming from a place of listening to my heart and just trusting what my heart wanted. And then also I auditioned for a musical production as part of that too, because my heart wanted to sing and like, I just kept getting these visions of being on stage and singing and dancing and being with a group of people and creating something magical.
00:13:07:16 - 00:13:30:11
Filly
And I'm doing that with Chris in May this month, which is great. So if you haven't booked your tickets for Sunshine on Leith in Devonport, if you're a Tassie person or travelling down here in May, book your ticket. Might actually put that in the show notes. And then the third thing that was in action step was hold a retreat, Filly, hold a retreat for your people.
00:13:30:17 - 00:13:52:13
Filly
And I had like a bunch of beautiful ideas. But that again, like as I said, was put on the back burner. It's like, nah, too much work for that one. I'll go have fun and play with these other things. And so anyway, I put it on the back burner and as I said before, my heart kept sending me these promptings.
00:13:52:13 - 00:14:17:10
Filly
It's like, come on, hold the retreat. You know, you want to, you know that this is going to be magical. I actually didn't really know why I was getting this heart prompting to hold the retreat. All I know, and I still don't know why. All I know is that something magical is going to happen as as part of putting this on, that might be for the people who are there.
00:14:17:11 - 00:14:36:23
Filly
I'm sure it will be. Maybe it will be for me. Maybe it will be what it would lead to. I don't know, I'm just trusting to go with my heart now in order for me to go for him. Nah. Too hard. Don't do it to. We are now doing it and we've got people booking in. I actually as I was looking back, I'm like, how did I break through this?
00:14:36:23 - 00:14:58:20
Filly
Oh, I used a framework called a line, which is actually going to be the framework that will be the the train that will take you through a transformational destination or journey in our retreat. Do you want to just give like we might do a full podcast on a line later on, but do you want to just give like a quick recap on what the align framework is?
00:14:58:20 - 00:15:03:09
Filly
So when I share my story, I'm going to tap into the five phases or steps.
00:15:03:10 - 00:15:28:02
Chris
Yeah. Cool. Okay. So a line is accurate actually an acronym. So A is awareness. Most of our processes start with the awareness piece. And and we talk about Inner Line. We talk about being aware of where you are. And if you think about what being aligned is it's a really good metaphor as well for coming back on track.
00:15:28:02 - 00:15:48:01
Chris
So if you feel like you've gone off track in your life or you feel like I'm not where I want to be, or you feel like something's not right, you know, you might not have another way of describing it or you feel stuck. The awareness piece is the first bit. It's like, I am here, I am, I am where I am, I am not where I'm not.
00:15:48:01 - 00:16:27:10
Chris
I'm not in this fairy tale. Unicorn, fluffy, Duffy, Rainbow land I am in this part. I am in this location. I am doing this. I am being this. I'm having this. So awareness is the very first part of a line. L stands for leaning in or letting. Letting it and leaning in is really about finding the edge, finding your comfort zone, finding where you are safe but where you feel a little bit scared, where you feel a little bit of an aversion or a resistance, or a frustration or an uncomfortable sensation or an emotional situation going on, and you feel like.
00:16:27:16 - 00:16:28:12
Chris
00:16:28:14 - 00:17:07:17
Chris
There's a real edge there. Any further, any more leaning in, any more feeling, this feeling, and I'm over the edge into this. So L is all about leaning into it, but only to the edge, not going over the edge, staying safe. And then I is all about receiving insights and inspiration. That inner knowing the I in insights. And then there's also what's how to spell align G G is about grounding coming back down, coming, coming out of your head and into your body, connecting with yourself, connecting with the environment around you.
00:17:07:17 - 00:17:28:17
Chris
And N is all about navigating. It's like, okay, now, now I'm aware of where I am and what's going on for me. And I've leaned into it. I'm not running away anymore. I'm done with that. And you're also receiving insights. You're also receiving insights from your body, and you're aware of the knowledge that your body is whispering or.
00:17:28:17 - 00:17:29:15
Chris
Shouting.
00:17:29:17 - 00:17:45:04
Chris
At you, to you, for you. And then you feel grounded and then navigate is all about all right. These are the cards I've gone. This is what this is the game I'm playing. This is how I want to play this game, moving forward, to get me from where I am to where I want to go. I need this resource.
00:17:45:04 - 00:18:03:06
Chris
I need that resource. I'm going to leave this behind. I'm going to bring more of this into my life. I'm going to call into into my community, my my crew, these people, I need this, I need that, I don't want this. I don't want that navigate get you on train. So that's that's a line.
00:18:03:07 - 00:18:03:17
Chris
Awesome.
00:18:03:18 - 00:18:10:19
Chris
As you could probably tell, we we need this retreat, the time and the space.
00:18:10:20 - 00:18:11:18
Chris
To three days.
00:18:11:23 - 00:18:18:12
Chris
To go through this with you is so deep, it's so potent. And for our clients, we could talk about this forever.
00:18:18:13 - 00:18:44:04
Filly
Yeah. And a little piece with the grounding that I think you missed is grounding isn't just about like being present and regulating. It's actually creating deep subconscious safety. And so that's often where like the big breakthroughs, if your body is holding on to something, where it's like, can't do that. Too scary. That's where, you know, really using more bottom up practices.
00:18:44:04 - 00:18:54:01
Filly
So more somatic practices to break through what you need to break through in order to feel deeply safe within yourself, to move forward to, to do the thing that you want and need.
00:18:54:02 - 00:19:21:06
Chris
I like, this thing that my youngest daughter and I talk about when when she has some anxiety or some anxious thoughts, some fears of the future, she says, what if dad or what if blah blah blah happens? And my favourite reply to her is well then it happens. Or this, this goes on. And then now she she she will say, so what if it'll happen?
00:19:21:08 - 00:19:46:12
Chris
She kind of catches herself. But but also we call them what ifs. And so that's, that's up here in fairy tale land. So grounding is all about coming down, feeling safe, getting out of that fear, a lack victim slave mindset that might be up in your head and coming down to to to you, to to to reality. Let the rubber meets the road, so to speak.
00:19:46:13 - 00:19:47:05
Chris
Yeah.
00:19:47:07 - 00:20:18:05
Filly
Okay. So, so I'm going to talk about awareness and leaning in in terms of what we're showing up for me. So I knew that when I started getting curious around patterns, sensations, emotions, I knew that there was something that was off inside of me because I kind of started feeling like work life, kind of like just my existence in general was feeling a bit like Groundhog Day.
00:20:18:07 - 00:20:49:14
Filly
Not not because anything was bad. If anything, life and business and family are the best or were the best that they have ever been. But I was starting to feel a bit apathetic, a bit like ho hum, sort of like I had lost my spark, my mojo, my zest, my passion. And it was very confusing because, as I said, it is the best that I had ever felt in my whole life that something was off.
00:20:49:14 - 00:21:15:11
Filly
And and it was also showing up to, like even with our, our last launch of the ending body burnout method program, usually I like, show up really like energetically. And I'm so excited for to happen. And it wasn't that I wasn't excited or I didn't want it to happen. I didn't want like I wanted to invite new clients in, but just that zest, like something was missing.
00:21:15:14 - 00:21:29:17
Filly
And during that time to we had a meeting with our financial planner, and I was kind of just explaining, like this stuck feeling that I was having and I can't remember. I think you said, Chris, maybe. No, I said, I said, oh, I think.
00:21:29:17 - 00:21:30:17
Chris
It's because it was really smart.
00:21:30:18 - 00:21:31:16
Chris
It was probably me.
00:21:31:16 - 00:21:31:23
Chris
No.
00:21:31:23 - 00:21:37:02
Filly
I can't remember how it came up, but something around creativity, I was just. Feeling like.
00:21:37:03 - 00:21:37:17
Chris
The smart stuff.
00:21:37:17 - 00:21:38:08
Chris
Comes from here.
00:21:38:09 - 00:22:03:08
Filly
I was feeling like I was I was doing a lot of things, and we were producing a lot of things, and we were helping a lot of people. But I didn't have a lot of time for my creative soul to to express. And then Chris and then I said, isn't that like just what a business owner is? Or business owners and entrepreneurs are creative, and I think you or Julie said, no, actually not all are.
00:22:03:10 - 00:22:05:16
Filly
And and I started crying.
00:22:05:17 - 00:22:06:08
Chris
And I was just.
00:22:06:08 - 00:22:31:01
Filly
Like, why am I crying in this financial planning meeting? Like, what? What's going on here? And I realised it again. It was my heart trying to speak to me. It's like, hey, there's still like, yes, you, you're in this music production now. Yes. You went on this like beautiful trip with your family around Australia, but something's missing in your business that is not allowing your creative soul to fully express.
00:22:31:01 - 00:22:54:00
Filly
And again, I'm like, fire out! It's this retreat again, it's this retreat that I keep putting off and keep putting on the back burner. So these were some like in terms of patterns and awareness that I knew something was off. There was also a period of time where I was feeling really resentful in our marriage and our work responsibilities, where I was like thrashing myself around, like saying, I do so much.
00:22:54:00 - 00:22:54:09
Chris
More.
00:22:54:09 - 00:22:55:22
Filly
Work than you, Chris.
00:22:55:23 - 00:22:57:17
Filly
Blah blah blah blah blah.
00:22:57:18 - 00:23:35:20
Filly
You just get off and do what you just. You just go off and do whatever your heart desires and you don't really care about, like being an adult or like holding responsibility. And I'm holding so much. And yes, there was a little bit of rejigging that needed to happen in that dynamic, which we have worked on. But the big thing like that emotional resentment piece was, again, just another signal that my heart and body was trying to get me, get my attention about in terms of like birthing this retreat to life and also like the the benefit of rejigging some of our responsibility.
00:23:35:20 - 00:23:41:17
Filly
So I had more time was that I did actually have more space and time now to create this retreat.
00:23:41:18 - 00:24:02:00
Chris
Just think about it this way. Every everything that comes to birth requires a bit of friction, and it doesn't always have to be painful. That friction. You can find a little bit of joy and pleasure in that friction to to bring things to birth. And so that friction that you were experiencing.
00:24:02:02 - 00:24:08:07
Chris
You know, it wasn't fun at first, but then you find out, found your little, found your way to make it fun.
00:24:08:08 - 00:24:09:00
Filly
Yeah. Now.
00:24:09:00 - 00:24:11:17
Chris
Even then, read into that if you want.
00:24:11:19 - 00:24:39:01
Filly
Even then, though, I still hadn't taken action until I think it was like end of March, I like. So all this time I was just getting more emotional signals, nothing physical. And then my body started speaking to me. It's like my unconscious mind, my heart was like, we have been sending you all these signals and you are so aware of them, but I still am not seeing you taking any action of creating this retreat.
00:24:39:01 - 00:25:08:01
Filly
So, all right, let's pull the physical lever, because we know that Philae responds to this. And so it was actually around the time of our last launch. My period was a week late. I feel like there's different reasons for that. But anyway, I won't go into that. But period. It was a week late and then I rarely, if ever, I get menstrual headaches, but for a whole week of having my period, I had these really bad headaches, which is also during launch, about ending body burnout methods.
00:25:08:02 - 00:25:28:11
Filly
So that wasn't fun. And then at the same time, my daughter came home with a flu and we started our rehearsals for the musical reduction. So singing for like five hours and then I got laryngitis, which again, I can't even remember the last time I had that. Maybe as a kid. And I completely lost my voice, completely lost my voice.
00:25:28:11 - 00:25:41:16
Filly
And it was like that was the last piece of awareness and leaning into the discomfort that I needed in order to say, okay, right, I'm ready to work on this.
00:25:41:18 - 00:25:44:03
Chris
That was a fun time, guys. For a.
00:25:44:03 - 00:25:47:13
Chris
Spouse first house.
00:25:47:15 - 00:25:56:06
Filly
And it was around that time. It was around that time too, that like our relationship dynamic stuff really shifted as well because all of a sudden I couldn't speak and I'm like, I can't.
00:25:56:07 - 00:25:59:20
Chris
I think it was the most peaceful couple of weeks that I've. And I'm just kidding.
00:25:59:22 - 00:26:26:02
Filly
Well, I couldn't like I had to I had to reschedule all my clients. I had to palm off, like podcast recordings decrease and workshops because I lost my voice. And then that also gave me the reminder that, oh, I can palm things off like I can delegate. And Chris is more than capable of holding like this space that I had been holding so that I can have extra space over here to create this retreat.
00:26:26:07 - 00:26:40:03
Chris
And then I think also you, you became soft and let go of the the reins a little bit, and which was really pleasant feminine. It was really enjoyable.
00:26:40:04 - 00:27:03:07
Filly
More slow, full. Participant and, and okay so these were my insights. So align awareness lean in. That was kind of like all of that altogether combined the deep insights were well then I wanted to get clear on well what are these. What are the blocks that are still standing in my way? So I got clear on stories that were coming to my conscious awareness.
00:27:03:09 - 00:27:19:00
Filly
It's going to be too much work. What if no one buys? What if we invest all this time and money and, you know, we run this retreat and we're at a loss? I also had some perfectionism patterns start showing up where it's like, it has to be perfect. Before I can press go, I have to find the perfect place.
00:27:19:00 - 00:27:47:06
Filly
I have to, like, work out the perfect, numbers of pricing. I have to work out, like exactly what we're going to do before we can even advertise this retreat. And then a big one. So they were all there, but probably the deepest or like the biggest block was this fear of can I be the woman to hold space for a transformational retreat for three whole days?
00:27:47:07 - 00:28:17:12
Filly
Because to me, the woman that holds space for the type of retreat we're putting on is strong, and she's so grounded and there's a deep presence and she's intuitive and she can hold others in that intuitive hold. And she's feminine and soft and nurturer and she's she's the body wayfinder. She's the one that that guides all of these other body whisperers trying to understand what their body, their heart is trying to say.
00:28:17:14 - 00:28:47:12
Filly
And she shines a light and helps them to find their own destination. So all of these were very feminine qualities again, which were never default patterns. In the past, I always operated very masculine, and I would say over the last five or so years very much unravelling, rewiring all of that. Yet still, though, is this underlying subconscious fear that I couldn't be that type of woman.
00:28:47:14 - 00:29:13:04
Filly
Which was so interesting because all these stories and blocks, when I started bringing them to the surface, I'm like, there is so much evidence that these are no longer true. Yet they were still sitting in my body and in my subconscious. And so these were the things. So. So the next part in a line is grounding. And this is essentially like as Chris said, we there's different ways that we ground.
00:29:13:04 - 00:29:41:08
Filly
And it's not just about regulating and feeling relaxed and being grounded at the depths of grounding is where the deeper subconscious rewiring happens, so that there's deep safety and trust and that deep groundedness of feeling safe to be you, feeling safe to be you, to do and be whatever you want to do and be in your health, in your life, even when things are tough and rocky and wobbly.
00:29:41:13 - 00:30:04:12
Filly
So this was this is what I had to break through. This is what I had to work on. And I did this in different ways. And in our retreat to we're going to use different practices. We are going to use top down, bottom up practices. So top down is like, yeah, let's start with our with our very intelligent mind that is sharp and witty and knowing.
00:30:04:14 - 00:30:26:02
Filly
And also let's bring the body on board as well. Let's actually like see where these blocks are in the body and work with those blocks. Let's access the heart. Like what is the heart want? And if we follow the heart, you will get all the answers and all the things that you want. So, you know, essentially that's what I was doing during this period of breaking through the blocks.
00:30:26:02 - 00:30:49:01
Filly
I was self coaching myself. I was having coaching from my own coach Jarman around, and what that looked like was a lot of like reframing, looking for evidence that it is possible, looking for evidence that I can put on a retreat, that we can feel the spots, that it actually isn't going to be too much work because it's going to be joyful, it's going to be devotional work.
00:30:49:01 - 00:31:19:16
Filly
It's going to be fun and spacious and exciting and and like the land is going to hold that as well. And so that doesn't work. That's actually play. And then I also started collecting all the evidence of how much, how many people I have held space for to transform, and also like how many hours in a day I have been able to do that.
00:31:19:16 - 00:31:37:17
Filly
So there was that little belief of like, could I really do that for three days? And when I actually looked at my calendar, I'm like, there are some days that I am working with one on one clients back to back from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. with a lunch break. My energy sustains that because I am healthy and well and it feels good.
00:31:37:19 - 00:32:18:20
Filly
So it's like I can do this for three days if I can do this ongoing week upon week upon week for 100 plus clients at any given time in a month, I can hold space for this. And there were also like, again, I was collecting evidence around being this woman that is grounded, that is present, that is wise, that is intuitive, and finding evidence for how that is different in my parenting, in my marriage, in how I show up for clients, I mean how I show up for myself compared to in the past, because essentially there was a little past self that was holding onto the fear of, but you're not feminine enough to do
00:32:18:20 - 00:32:53:23
Filly
this. I remember Kris held a workshop for our clients around this time as well, inside our ending body burnout method, and it was all about journaling, so I jumped on it to like, hold space for our clients as well. But I was also journaling for myself, and there was a lot of stuff around my being state, and I was journaling around like I am, I am being, and I choose to lean into more being that is open and expansive and flow full and present and touchy and emotional and soft and slow.
00:32:54:01 - 00:33:28:15
Filly
And again, I anytime my heart whispered to me, hold the retreat instead of shutting it down. I just expanded that feeling and that calling. Whether that was through journaling or a conversation or visualising it to the point where I then took action and so that all beautiful stuff. There was also simple things as well. Like I was like, oh hang on, I don't need to know everything before I press go.
00:33:28:17 - 00:33:32:12
Filly
Then you would be good to know. Let's find the venue. Yeah.
00:33:32:12 - 00:33:38:19
Chris
There's usually like a minimum, like imperfection. There's a there's a minimum of minimum required to get the tick.
00:33:38:20 - 00:34:05:10
Filly
Yeah. Like for the retreat. It's like before we can sell tickets or. Actually. No. And I've also found people who are experts in retreats who are just the type of women that like that. I want to role model as retreat holders. And I forgot her last name is one of them. But she's like, I launched my retreat without even knowing the venue, and I sold 20 spots and I'm like, okay, so actually it's probably like not even a minimum.
00:34:05:10 - 00:34:18:08
Filly
I can do whatever I want and I can be messy around this. My one, my one at North Star, I guess, was as long as I follow my heart, I know magic's going to happen with this retreat.
00:34:18:10 - 00:34:29:05
Chris
Yeah. And just thinking about having faith in the process that we we will be taking you guys through,
00:34:29:06 - 00:34:30:13
Filly
Which is what we embody.
00:34:30:14 - 00:34:53:19
Chris
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, I think at our next one, we could, we could really. I guess the minimum would be a vague date and a and it would be in Tasmania, you know, like that, that could be like I mean, I'm just picturing myself. I don't know how you guys who are listening to this feel about that, but but for me, that would be enough.
00:34:53:20 - 00:35:14:03
Chris
Like I'd be I'd be good to go and then just have the faith that are these guys going to actually run it. And like, if that confidence tick was all ticked, you know, those things, that's really all people would need to be able to make a decision. And then maybe not to, to put it like a full all down.
00:35:14:03 - 00:35:20:07
Chris
But then again, who am I to tell you what you would be willing to do? Yeah. But yeah, yeah.
00:35:20:08 - 00:35:42:05
Filly
And the thing that helped me to let go with the perfectionism patterns too, was getting just staying intentional and getting clear around the intention behind the retreat. So number one, focus is transformation. Do we need the perfect photos? No. Do we need the, like, the perfect food plan mapped out? What if the food runs out? You know?
00:35:42:06 - 00:36:02:15
Filly
But at the end of the day, if transformation is number one, then then that is what I. What is the North Star and what I trust in. And I know that both of us can create a space that is transformative, even if it was in a tent with baked beans.
00:36:02:17 - 00:36:04:10
Filly
But it's going to be way better than that.
00:36:04:11 - 00:36:10:20
Chris
Oh, I'll transform you in the tent with baked beans, that's for sure. Did you think about that?
00:36:11:01 - 00:36:13:16
Filly
No, not at all.
00:36:13:18 - 00:36:17:14
Chris
And breathe in and breathe out.
00:36:17:16 - 00:36:27:18
Filly
It's so funny. Now, there were two other things. And this is why there is going to be a transformational breathwork session as part of this retreat. But.
00:36:27:18 - 00:36:29:06
Chris
I know baked beans.
00:36:29:06 - 00:36:52:00
Filly
No baked beans during that. But I did. I booked myself in for a transformational breathwork session in February, and then another one in March, and again in the February 1st during the breathwork session. I connected back in with the heart and it was just like, this is going to happen. But even between the Feb and the March breathwork session, I still hadn't taken action.
00:36:52:00 - 00:37:15:07
Filly
But the dream was was growing like the dream actually now felt like it's going to happen. I just don't know when or where or how. In the March session I went in again with the intention that it's like, hey, I still feel a bit blocked with this. This is my intention to self. Is there anything else I need to break through in order to be able to take action with this retreat?
00:37:15:07 - 00:37:37:01
Filly
And the most magical thing happened. So the first part of the transformational breathwork session, I mapped out everything that was going to happen in the retreat, including the name of the retreat. The body knows it just kept coming as this like almost like someone was whispering it to me and I felt it in my body and like, yes.
00:37:37:01 - 00:38:05:01
Filly
And so I had this most magical experience during the transformational retreat in the first half of the session, then the second half of the session, unexpectedly, I felt an overwhelming sensation of grief and sadness to the point that I started crying and I was like, whoa, where is this coming from? It's like everything is connected. So I think this is connected to the retreat and my intention, but like, what the heck?
00:38:05:04 - 00:38:36:21
Filly
And then as this sadness started coming forth and I guess, like essentially being released in my body or from my body, the memory of our first pregnancy showed up. So before we had our eldest child, Poppy, we struggled with infertility for about 2 or 3 years, finally fell pregnant. We were both so happy. And then at the 12 week scan, the baby had died at eight week mark and basically I'd been holding a baby for four weeks.
00:38:36:21 - 00:38:59:01
Filly
That was getting my belly feeling so excited about the life that we were bringing to life. So that was a really hard time. And what was confusing about it showing up in the breathwork was like, I have done so much work around this and I when I think back on it, I have no emotional charge around it. Like there's still there's still that.
00:38:59:03 - 00:39:00:20
Filly
That element of sadness.
00:39:00:21 - 00:39:01:13
Chris
Negative emotion.
00:39:01:14 - 00:39:23:16
Filly
Sadness and grief and like loss, but it's not consuming. It's kind of like I feel like there's a lot of integration and it has been processed. And so, so it was really interesting that that showed up in the breathwork session. And then at the end of the breathwork session, I got this really clear image of me holding my three babies.
00:39:23:16 - 00:39:41:14
Filly
So first baby Poppy and Elsie and then a big me holding all of us. And then and then it wasn't the world, but it was almost like humanity. So other people holding the big me and the little me and my three babies.
00:39:41:14 - 00:39:42:14
Chris
Group hug.
00:39:42:16 - 00:40:06:04
Filly
Group hug. But it was so beautiful and magical. And there were a few things that I feel really came through in that one was like, yeah, I think I was just breaking through that last bit of fear around, what if I birth this beautiful retreat into the world and I lose it? What if no one wants it, you know?
00:40:06:05 - 00:40:32:03
Filly
So there was elements of loss and grief and like, fear that like, maybe I'll put all this not even work, but heart and soul into this and no one comes. But then the on the flip side, it was actually something that has held in my body since the miscarriage of the grief that is stronger than the loss is the way that the community around us at that time, especially like, came to support me.
00:40:32:04 - 00:41:20:09
Filly
Like there were a few family members and a few key women. I'm even getting emotional about this that came with so much love and so much support and so much femininity and so much nurturing that like, I would never have had that if I hadn't lost our first baby. And what came through through with that was this reminder that I can be, and I am this woman that can now hold space for others because of all the loss or the grief or the body burnout or the the challenges with my health or the trauma, all the relationship issues we've worked through in the past, like I am the woman that can hold space to others
00:41:20:09 - 00:41:37:08
Filly
in this retreat that my heart has been dreaming about. And after that experience, the next day I made a phone call to a retreat venue and started the ball rolling. Put up a wait list. That venue actually fell through. But I'm like, this.
00:41:37:08 - 00:41:37:23
Filly
Is still.
00:41:37:23 - 00:41:40:16
Chris
Happening for now. But but maybe. Maybe eventually.
00:41:40:16 - 00:41:40:20
Filly
Yeah.
00:41:40:21 - 00:42:02:08
Filly
Just like the timing wasn't quite right, but still a beautiful place and we probably will do something there in the future. But it did not stop me. I was just like, okay, cool. I just made a decision that it's like, this isn't the right space for this time. Chris and I dropped into The Cove, Tasmania the next day.
00:42:02:08 - 00:42:10:06
Filly
On the weekend. That was a Saturday. And then by Sunday we'd signed the contract to, like, hire out the whole venue. And then it's like.
00:42:10:07 - 00:42:13:04
Filly
Cool, let's create a landing page. So all of that happened.
00:42:13:04 - 00:42:24:14
Filly
In like by the time we I know there was a bit of a waiting period with the first venue, but the moment that we switched to the other one, it all happened within like less than a week.
00:42:24:16 - 00:42:24:19
Filly
Yeah.
00:42:25:01 - 00:42:37:21
Filly
This was six months of me trying to break through this thing. Actually, I didn't know there was a lot of awareness. First, for the breaking through actually didn't take a lot of time when I was ready to to like, move forward with it.
00:42:37:22 - 00:43:26:21
Chris
I think that miscarriages are beautiful, and I think that the the little baby, the little, the little soul that you held space for, had had it it took up space and it literally took up space. It literally had had place. It had space and whatever happened with its life post that time and space happened. And I think that there's so much beauty, so much pain in creation, that sometimes it doesn't come to our expected term.
00:43:26:23 - 00:43:57:02
Chris
You know, we don't give birth in the, in the, in the way that we expect. And that hurts. That is really painful. And, and I think that this is just a bit of criticism here that I think that there's there's poetry, there's beauty in that. There's there's love in that. We love that little, little baby. We, we, we created emotion and support and whatever happened after that happened after that.
00:43:57:02 - 00:44:27:03
Chris
And, and I think that with this retreat, this retreat is another baby that we're bringing to the world. And, I mean, you think of the other venues and all this sort of stuff that might that were not carried to our full term of expected. But, but, but it's beautiful. We've had beautiful conversations. We've networked with some, some wonderful people and and it's been wonderful.
00:44:27:03 - 00:44:28:19
Chris
It's been beautiful.
00:44:28:21 - 00:44:33:16
Filly
Well, yeah. And it was. That baby made me a mother.
00:44:33:18 - 00:44:36:12
Chris
You can't take that away. That no one can take that away.
00:44:36:13 - 00:44:41:14
Filly
Poppy, like our living child didn't make me a mother. The first baby.
00:44:41:20 - 00:44:43:09
Chris
Yeah, totally.
00:44:43:10 - 00:45:09:04
Filly
And this is a bit segue. If you've listened to my experience at Melissa's Exhale retreat, a word that kept coming through that was mother love. I'm only actually just putting this connection together now is like the mother love and that nurturing and the physical touch and that is that can just incubate so much change in oneself and others.
00:45:09:06 - 00:45:15:00
Filly
And when you use the word poetry, I was actually going to look, I wrote a poem about that first baby.
00:45:15:01 - 00:45:15:08
Chris
Yeah.
00:45:15:09 - 00:45:19:10
Filly
And I was going to see if I could find it in the garage for this podcast, and I forgot.
00:45:19:11 - 00:45:22:13
Chris
I know exactly where it is. Do you? Oh, okay.
00:45:22:14 - 00:45:26:21
Filly
I might read it and we might put it at the end of the episode if we can find it.
00:45:27:03 - 00:45:27:22
Filly
Yeah.
00:45:28:00 - 00:45:29:08
Chris
Just because. Well, I know where the.
00:45:29:08 - 00:45:29:18
Filly
Box is.
00:45:29:19 - 00:45:34:03
Chris
Okay. You don't have many, many boxes. I've got a few.
00:45:34:05 - 00:45:56:02
Filly
And anyway, navigation. Navigation was that last, the last piece in a line which essentially is the how am I going to make this happen now? And essentially that is like you are now seeing that you are seeing this beautiful sales page. You are seeing the emails, you are seeing the graphics, you are seeing our excitement. You are listening to this podcast.
00:45:56:03 - 00:46:18:01
Filly
There are all the steps that will actually bring what is coming forth out of you into reality in your real world. So if you would like to come to the body knows if your body is calling for you to listen in to yourself and you would like us to be your body wave finders to help you decode the messages.
00:46:18:02 - 00:46:31:12
Filly
Understand what your body is trying to say to you. Rewire these deeper subconscious fears and blocks and then take aligned action. After the retreat. Please join us. We would love to have you.
00:46:31:13 - 00:46:56:03
Chris
You can see on our on the Share screen right here if you're watching the video. So if you were to jump onto our website just up the the very top of the page at the moment, you just click this button and that takes you to the retreat page. We tell you about who it's for, we tell you more information about it and show you some beautiful pictures along the way of the location.
00:46:56:08 - 00:46:58:23
Filly
This is if you're watching the podcast on YouTube.
00:46:58:23 - 00:47:20:00
Chris
By the way. Yeah. And we take you through a little bit more about the align method that we talked about today and going to what's going to happen. And then yeah, you can choose your accommodation experiences. And then as you can see down the bottom early Bird Special is available ends on the 14th of May. And we would we'd love to have you.
00:47:20:00 - 00:47:30:17
Chris
We would love to have you. When is the 14th of May. That is that's that's a day before sunshine on Leith. And while I've got your attention, here's here's another thing that I just want to share with you.
00:47:30:17 - 00:47:34:00
Filly
There's this is another love project coming from the heart.
00:47:34:00 - 00:47:59:20
Chris
There's another baby. So there's ten shows across three weeks in May. So early bird special for the retreat ends the day before we go live for our first opening night performance in Sunshine on Leith. But yeah, we'd love to have you. It's a it's a wonderful, wonderful show. For those of you who are in Tasmania, we'd love to have you here for you who are down and come visit us and then come back again.
00:47:59:21 - 00:48:06:15
Filly
We've got we've got people flying down. We do from Sydney and Queensland for the first opening night.
00:48:06:16 - 00:48:20:05
Chris
It is beautiful. Yeah. If you I don't know if you can if you can read this but pause it here. Have a read about the blurb. It's amazing. I'm playing the character Rob Robert Henshaw. He's Scottish Scottish from Edinburgh.
00:48:20:06 - 00:48:21:11
Filly
And I actually.
00:48:21:12 - 00:48:25:01
Chris
If I said that he's from Leith, which is a bit different.
00:48:25:05 - 00:48:33:15
Filly
And I'm playing lots of different characters in the ensemble because I am terrible at a Scottish accent, so I sing and dance for you.
00:48:33:21 - 00:48:35:10
Chris
As she's very good at that.
00:48:35:11 - 00:48:38:14
Filly
I'm very good at singing and dancing and having fun.
00:48:38:16 - 00:48:41:06
Chris
Robert is not crash hot.
00:48:41:06 - 00:48:42:21
Chris
At that.
00:48:42:22 - 00:48:50:00
Chris
Anyway. Very good. Thank you so much for joining us today. Once I start the Scottish accent, it's a bit hard to stop.
00:48:50:01 - 00:48:51:15
Filly
Can I stop?
00:48:51:16 - 00:48:52:21
Chris
I can stop.
00:48:52:23 - 00:48:53:20
Filly
Can you stop.
00:48:53:21 - 00:48:58:01
Chris
I can, I can I didn't can if I can.
00:48:58:03 - 00:49:02:01
Filly
All right, all right I'm off to watch Outlander now.
00:49:02:03 - 00:49:04:23
Chris
I don't.
00:49:05:01 - 00:49:06:17
Chris
Wanna make another baby. Let's go make.
00:49:06:17 - 00:49:09:05
Filly
Another snack. Jamie.
00:49:09:05 - 00:49:13:18
Chris
Sorry. I just need to get.
00:49:13:20 - 00:49:14:16
Filly
All right.
00:49:14:18 - 00:49:14:23
Chris
Yeah.
00:49:15:00 - 00:49:20:06
Filly
Cool.
00:49:20:08 - 00:49:44:07
Filly
Hello, I am back. This is a little note. So I went looking for that poem that I mentioned. The one that I wrote around the time that I had the miscarriage. I couldn't find it. But what I did find was an old journal where I wrote my experience in a really beautiful and poetic way, and I was arming and ring with her to share this.
00:49:44:07 - 00:50:07:19
Filly
I'm like, oh, it's a little bit of a long raid, so if you're not interested, you can jump off the potty now. Wait until next week for our next podcast. But if you would like to stick around and just listen in for nor the reason, then just listening in on my personal journey around that time. So this is back in 2011 then?
00:50:07:20 - 00:50:13:04
Filly
Yeah, we'd love to to have you listen.
00:50:13:06 - 00:50:31:07
Filly
So I was given this book by a dear friend who made this beautiful journal, and I woke up with anticipation pounding in my heart.
00:50:31:09 - 00:51:02:04
Filly
Finally, I had made it. We had made it 12 weeks today. 12 weeks of being pregnant. We're safe, I thought. Well, though, lingering in the back of my mind was always that tiny glint of fear. What if there's nothing inside my womb? What if there's no heartbeat? What if it's severely deformed? What if, what if, what if it seems to be the most common word during pregnancy?
00:51:02:06 - 00:51:28:20
Filly
That mysterious loom of nine months of liquid and blood and a blossoming belly and boobs. It was sunny as we drove to the radiographer, I remember that the shine glinting through the windscreen and shining in our eyes. I dreamt of what you would look like. I wondered if you would be awake as they poked at my swollen belly.
00:51:28:22 - 00:51:44:09
Filly
If you would kick and squirm and give us a show. Chris couldn't keep the smile off his face, but we both knew somewhere deep inside us that there was always that possibility of.
00:51:44:11 - 00:51:48:23
Filly
The little room was dim.
00:51:49:01 - 00:52:17:20
Filly
Like a cave for a mumma bear. Weary of the light, the radiographer had me lay down on the hard bed, and she squirted the clear cold gel on my belly. As she pressed, I thought I was about to burst, how full was my bladder? And then there you were, a small smudge on the screen, cocooned at the ground of my uterus.
00:52:17:22 - 00:52:40:18
Filly
I watched Chris smile, shiny eyed at you, a boy. Of course you were a boy in his eyes. But the radiographers silence was threatening. This wasn't how it should be. So quiet as if someone had died. She should be pointing to you as if you were on our first tour. There's the head, there's its fingers, there's its little heart.
00:52:40:18 - 00:53:13:03
Filly
Such a strong, strong beat. Finally she spoke. We're going to have to do an internal. What I'm seeing is an eight week foetus. I'll be able to get a better look inside. So I undressed and released my over brimming bladder. I should have felt relief as I emptied myself, but all I could think of was something else being emptied to back on the hard bed, she poked an intrusive implement inside me.
00:53:13:04 - 00:53:42:17
Filly
I saw you again. A flicker of black and white on the screen, like a little bird about to fly away from my reach. I felt a tear fall down the side of my face. Be strong, be strong. Chris tried to hold my hand, but I couldn't stand his touch just then, perhaps because it would make me cry. Perhaps because this was somehow something I must endure alone.
00:53:42:19 - 00:54:11:11
Filly
Who knows how we are going to react at the times at times of loss. I'm sorry, the radiographer finally said. I'm not detecting a heartbeat. It appears the baby died at eight weeks. My body stopped. I felt my lips clenched, trying to clench back something more than tears. The specialist came in to double check the results. He was a professional kind of man.
00:54:11:13 - 00:54:22:13
Filly
Of course he was sorry, but he kept talking. So clinical, so procedure. Like I wanted him to stop. I wanted to damp.
00:54:22:15 - 00:54:49:19
Filly
My hand over his mouth, smother his clinical words. I wanted back the silence that I had dreaded before. And there was Chris's touch on my shoulder, closing in on me as if he wanted to hug me, but was unsure, and I felt claustrophobic in that dark cave room, and I wanted him to shut up. I wanted to be untouched and I just wanted to cry.
00:54:49:19 - 00:55:21:22
Filly
But not here. Not there. Not in that intrusive place. Humiliating place. An echo of your smudge still lingering on the screen. So I bit back my tears. You choked me from the inside. I choked on you. The tiny heart not beating, not pumping, not moving up and down. I was glad to leave that place, to walk out into the glove of sun.
00:55:22:00 - 00:55:50:09
Filly
At least they gave me your scan and didn't charge me to confirm your death. That was kindness. The start of many tokens of kindness towards Chris and I. There were phone calls of quiet sorries and they say these things happen for a reason. Perhaps the baby didn't have a lung. And warm hugs and foot massages from my sister, and sweet cards and chocolate in the mail, and the beep beep of text messages that brought a tear to my eye.
00:55:50:12 - 00:56:24:05
Filly
I was thankful, so thankful for each word of love, of empathy, of understanding. Each one reminded me of our loss, but also of the many blessings in our lives, the amazing people around us, the bright future ahead at home. That night after the scan, Chris and I looked at the X-ray photos of you, some and incomprehensible smudge, as if someone had pressed their thumb on you and squashed you.
00:56:24:07 - 00:56:54:15
Filly
But these were a few pictures of you where you had a face such a small, tiny, perfect face. I cried and smiled at you and imagined you alive. Swimming in my waters. I tried to show Chris your face, but he couldn't see. Urgently, frantically, I pointed at your eyes, your lips, your nose. Look, Chris. It's there. Tell me you see him.
00:56:54:16 - 00:57:19:12
Filly
I needed Chris to see, to acknowledge that you had been. That you had a human form, that you had been owls. Finally, he picked your your face and he let out a laugh and then a sigh. And we laughed inside together, especially at your nose. Such a big nose like your father's. I slept well that night, thank goodness.
00:57:19:17 - 00:57:47:02
Filly
But when I woke, it felt as if I'd been hit in the guts. That sudden, sinking realisation that it had not been a dream, that it was real. Two days later I went to my GP doctor. Better a shy, awkward South African man that phoned the gynaecologist at the hospital straight away and got me booked in for a DNC.
00:57:47:04 - 00:58:11:23
Filly
The gyno took one look at my scan and confirmed the baby had died at eight weeks, but my uterus was the size of a 12. Week one you've left to miscarry. Naturally, I could be faced with a lot of bleeding. My granny and granddad sat with me while I waited for the procedure. Crannies loud, ever constant voice filling the quiet room of the hospital.
00:58:12:01 - 00:58:38:02
Filly
The nurses were all lovely, prepping me for the procedure and general anaesthetic. I'd never had an operation before. If it wasn't for the situation it would all be very exciting. I was left alone on the bed for a time. Everything had happened so fast that I. I'd had little time to think of you. Perhaps that had been good.
00:58:38:04 - 00:58:58:08
Filly
I didn't want to cry. I needed to be brave. But for a moment I thought about the bleeding. The week before the scan, it had only been a tiny amount once a day, a little blood for four days running. The first time I saw the pink on the toilet paper, I freaked out. No, no, this can't be happening.
00:58:58:08 - 00:59:24:15
Filly
Not to me. Neither of my sisters have had a miscarriage. Not me, I had work, I had myself so worked up I had felt sick. Even though I knew life spotting was very common and normal during pregnancy. Chris had said a prayer for me the next day. I yearn to hear his voice confidently and with the spirit say the baby would be okay.
00:59:24:15 - 00:59:33:18
Filly
But his voice faltered as he said and only whispered that it would be safe and healthy.
00:59:33:20 - 01:00:03:14
Filly
At Amen. I sat there slumped, tears burning my cheeks, filling my mouth with salt. Why did I not feel comforted? Why did I feel as if a heavy cloud was weighing on my shoulders? We both knew then not to expect a happy ending, but the spotting had cleared up. I had felt so much more optimistic. And then the scan, and then you and your heartless heart.
01:00:03:16 - 01:00:32:23
Filly
When I woke up from the DNC procedure, my body was limp with anaesthetic. There was a nurse in the room. I called out to her in my horsey voice. I asked her, where were you? Where was my baby? Did you keep my baby? And my words folded back and stumbled over tiny sobs. Empty. I was an empty bottle.
01:00:33:00 - 01:01:08:03
Filly
Tossed out to see you were gone so quick. A blink of an eye. No memory, no labouring clamp. Cramps or clots or blood. Nothing but a limp body from anaesthetic. Was this way better clean, quick, and certainly less painful. But such a lack of closure, such a loss.
01:01:08:05 - 01:01:18:03
Filly
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01:01:18:08 - 01:01:36:20
Chris
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