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Filly
Hello? It's Filly here. Just a quick announcement before we jump into today's episode. Natural Medicine Week, hosted by Australian Traditional Medicine Society, is coming up on the 22nd to the 28th of May. I'm a proud ambassador for Natural Medicine Week, which showcases all the many ways natural medicine can restore the body and mind. With live online events run by qualified practitioners across Australia.
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Filly
You can check out the link in the show notes to find your way to Natural Medicine Week as part of the event. I'll be holding a special free root cause of emotional eating masterclass, which you can sign up for via the Natural Medicine Week website. During the Masterclass, I'll be digging into emotional eating, food addictions, sugar cravings and the hidden imbalance is in the body that caused this behaviour, as well as the metaphysical imbalances that are at the deepest root cause of emotional eating.
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Filly
Hope you can make it okay. Until today's episode.
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Chris
Hello and welcome to the ending Body Burn Out Show, where your hosts, Chris and Filly co-founders of Multi-award winning Functional Medicine Practice, serving busy people with energy mood and got issues.
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Filly
Well, busyness, overworking, addictive doing and perfectionism might be the norm. It's not normal and it's a major contributor to health issues.
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Chris
Our goal with this show is to give you a holistic root cause approach to healing your body so that you don't have to continue doctor or diet hopping or popping a gazillion supplements hoping something might stick.
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Filly
So get ready to heal your body, get your spark back deeply, connect with yourself and step into the light of your dreams. Let's dive in. Oh.
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Chris
We welcome everybody. Thank you so much for tuning into the ending Body Burnout show. I'm Chris Bullet and I'm so grateful to be here with my co-host, PHILIPPa.
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Filly
Oh, so today we're going to dig into a common pattern that many of these people run, which is a major contributor to body burnout, and that is people pleasing. We wanted to dig into this topic for many reasons, but in particular next episode we have a special client story to share with you. So one of our clients, Brian, was experiencing chronic headaches, brain fog, exhaustion, anxiousness, stinky body.
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Filly
We go over his ending body, burn out story with him and you'll discover that one of the deeper root causes was his people pleasing patterns. So we wanted to really unpack what it actually means to be a people pleaser and how it is affecting our health today.
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Chris
Awesome. All right, guys. So let's dive into this superstar. Now that you're here with us. Today is going to be an absolute banger. Totally excited. Let us dive in.
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Filly
All right. So shall we chat about what actually is a people pleaser?
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Chris
Yeah, cool. I feel like there's many different types of personality test that are out there in the world. And as a as a coach, I try and find the ones that really work for for you as as our clients. And if you are a coach and you're listening to this, you might have a different experience to me and that's totally okay.
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Chris
I found that when it comes to understanding people, pleasing the the Enneagram by Rousseau in Hudson is a really cool tool. If you feel like being a people pleaser is something that you really resonate with, check out the Enneagram type to the helper personality at a Enneagram type to helper, a people pleaser. You know, if we just stick with the help a term, it's a beautiful personality.
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Chris
If you if this really resonates with this, you have a beautiful personality, empathetic at your core, compassionate, really feel with and for others, caring, concerned about their needs. I'm reading from recent Hudson's book called Personality Types Here, and you might be outgoing and passionate or more introverted, but but whatever you are, you offer friendship and kindness, thoughtfulness, warm heartedness.
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Chris
You're forgiving and sincere. This is a real beautiful personality, and I think it's something at at it at its healthiest. You have a lot to offer and give to the world. And I think that's beautiful. I think that's wonderful. Do you want to chat about just some dysfunctional ways people people show up as as a people pleaser? I think that that word itself is kind of a little bit negative.
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Filly
You always have a saying nothing's bad until it is. So it's not bad to be loving and kind and caring and wanting to help people. It's not bad until it is. So when it starts becoming dysfunctional is when you're not serving your own needs, when your copy is getting very empty because you are even giving and doing too much for other people.
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Filly
So there's a bunch of characteristics that we see, and I can resonate with some of these. I'm probably not the classical people pleaser, but my people pleasing can show up in really subtle and sly ways. But we'll share some. So some ways that you can show off as a people place. Also difficult is saying no is a really big one, especially if in deep in your heart you actually want to say no, but you say yes.
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Filly
And you can usually feel that too, like within your body or your emotions, you feel some sort of disease or tension when you say yes to something, when actually you want to say no. Another one would be overcommitting. So taking on all the things and that was definitely a pattern I used to run, especially before I started healing my body.
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Filly
Probably one of the reasons why my body systems broke down in the first place, because any time I was asked to do something and a lot of this stuff was for free, I was like, Yes, yes, yes, I'll do it. Yes, yes. And it wasn't an issue until it was, but it took me away from my family. It wasn't helping to bring food onto the table.
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Filly
And essentially my body systems broke down. Another characteristic would be avoidance of conflict. So you might hear that as more peacemaker. Again, peacemakers are not bad. In fact, we need them in this world. We need them actually more than ever. But if you're avoiding conflict because you don't want to upset someone else yet inside your soul is breaking down.
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Filly
That can be an issue for sure.
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Chris
And I think we're going to talk about this later on. So. Oh, I'll hold this one in. But but just as you're listening to this and as you've started to work with us or as you've been working with us for a while.
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Filly
While listening to these.
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Chris
Podcasts, this podcast, you'll know that that that is a form of, of unhealthy suppression. And it's and it's really in a stressful situation. It's a flight or a freeze response to stress or stimulation.
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Filly
Mm hmm. Another correct characteristic would be you need approval from others. So whatever you do, you need to get that thanks or that gratitude or that well done or that You're awesome because you're trying to get external validation outside of yourself rather than inside of yourself. And again, that can lead to burn out again. It's nice to get kudos from someone else, but it can lead to burnout if you're constantly trying to chase that.
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Filly
And if you don't get the external validation or the approval from others, people places feel really rotten about themselves because they're they're not giving it to themselves.
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Chris
And we'll talk about some some reasons why you might do that later on in this podcast episode as well.
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Filly
Yeah, cool. So difficulty asserting one's self would also be a pattern of people pleasing, self-sacrificing. So that would be the matter. A lot of mothers may resonate with this them motherhood, martyrdom. I've just written a chapter all about that in my book that will be released this year. Feeling anxiety and stress is a bit of a subtle and sly one, so it could be more like you just have this constant feeling of anxiety inside of you because you're always feeling like you're not doing enough for other people or or you're not getting that external validation.
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Filly
And so you're constantly feeling icky inside your body.
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Chris
And we'll talk about reasons for for doing that or why why you might be feeling anxiety. And anxiety itself is a label which I'm not a massive fan of labels, and we'll will unpack what's underneath that label.
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Filly
Another one, lack of boundaries. So you might wake up one morning or you have these like great goals, all these like I'm going to look after myself and give myself self-care today. But then everyone else says, and agendas get in the way because you lack boundaries or you don't prioritise boundaries that you've created for yourself because you're constantly trying to please other people.
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Chris
Or you don't realise that your boundaries are just being infiltrated or stepped over by others and you don't respect your boundaries enough. And we've all got boundaries. You just might not enforce them or give yourself permission to let them be there.
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Filly
Mhm. Difficulty prioritising would be another one. So again have these great health goals but you struggle to stick to them because other people's needs are getting in the way and sometimes to people places will use that language as well. It's just like, oh I can't do that because you know, I can't go and exercise because I have to look after the kids.
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Filly
I can't go and get a massage because I feel bad that my husband has to look after my children. It's like, hang on. The his kids do that. And then guilt is another one as well. So people, places often feel guilty when they aren't able to please others or when they're not helping other people. It shows up for me in a bit of a subtle way.
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Filly
Like I noticed this recently, just last week, I had an experience where people playing showed up and it floored me because I was like, I don't think I'm a people pleaser, but I had an experience where someone was not even like angry at me, but they were just expressing some frustration in their life. And for me that just feel icky.
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Filly
And I'm like, Oh, I don't want them to express this frustration. So I'm going to go above and beyond trying to make sure that this person is happy. And in the end, they kind of didn't even want what I was trying to offer them anyway. And so I had this experience where, yeah, I felt itchiness in my body.
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Filly
The energy of trying to help was all wrong. And in the end kind of didn't help the person anyway because they didn't want the help and felt kind of crap about myself. And then I'm like, Oh, oh, hello, little people. Pleasing pattern. Yeah, let's unpack this.
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Chris
Feel like a really cool model for understanding an unhealthy people pleasing pattern or program is the drama triangle. If you haven't heard of the drama triangle, we talk about it all the time. I think the word drama I like because it's attached to star three, isn't it? And when we when we have these symptoms or sicknesses or situations that are stressful play out in our lives, this is a drama we, I think, and a feeling.
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Chris
And I think that that when you have a symptom, when you have a sickness or soreness, some sort of body system dysfunction is at play beneath that. And I think that that there's some sort of a drama playing out in your life. Prove me wrong. I really resonate with that. There's a the in the drama triangle there's there's three main roles and you can be concurrently playing any one of these roles at any one time in this drama, this story that's playing out in your life.
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Chris
The role of the rescuer is a is a big one when it comes to people pleasing. But concurrently, at the very same moment you're playing out the role of the victim and the role of the aggressor or the villain. And and how might that show up in your life? It's it's going to be different context driven. But but what's an example of people pleasing for everyone off the top of your head?
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Chris
Um, kids parents, Yes.
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Filly
As a rescue, are we talking specifically about rescue us?
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Chris
Yeah. Well, it shows up as that that people pleasing person.
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Filly
Many people that I talk to who is struggling to do the things to get healthy and to heal their body because this person, this person, this person needs them. And when you dig into that, it's like, do they really need you?
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Chris
And yeah, so, so that that language right there is struggling. Well that's victim speech. I'm in the middle of a wrestle. I'm being attacked by an aggressor. That aggressor might be time. Time's a villain. It's against me. I'm wrestling with my time. It could be. I'm so tired. You're wrestling. You're struggling with your with your fatigue. So the fatigue is the aggressor hour or the jobs that you have to do while you, the victim, have fatigue.
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Chris
And then you've got at the same time you're playing out the role of a rescuer. So so you see how you you you might show up. You might consciously show up as the rescuer in a people pleasing pattern or program. But you're being a victim. You're sitting in the role of a victim and the aggressor at the same time.
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Chris
This you can't be one without the other.
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Filly
I find rescue is a really busy as well. So I'm thinking about a few people in the stories they've shared. Sometimes it's like, Oh, I'm struggling to go exercise, I'm struggling to eat healthy, I'm struggling to meal plan, I'm struggling to take my supplements because this person, this person, this person needs me. On the other hand, sometimes they're doing those things like the healthy things, yet they're just so busy filling their life up with doing stuff.
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Filly
And often that involves doing stuff for other people that they're nervous. System is short and and rescue is to like it's interesting the drama triangle that the rescuer actually needs a victim so although although again it's like noble and loving and kind and caring and empathic empathetic to be helping person when a rescuer becomes dysfunctional, it's almost like you constantly need to hold a victim in your space.
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Filly
You always need to have someone broken to try and fix. And that's kind of doesn't feel very nice either.
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Chris
You're right. So I think, What's that? What's the energy there? What's why are you doing what you're doing? The David Hawkins has a has a really cool scale called the map of consciousness. I use it every time I talk with a client. What's the energy underneath your doing or the way you're being? Are you trying to to rescue or please your your children, your husband, your your, your clients, your your business, your your employees, your boss.
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Chris
Right. What's that. What's the reason? What's the energy underneath there? Is there a little bit of shame? If you do shame if you don't, is there a bit of blame in there and guilt is there? Oh, I can't be bothered speaking up. I really just can't be bothered doing anything else. And so there's in in despair. You throw your hands up and and with apathy, you just don't speak your mind.
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Chris
And so therefore you become a little bit of a victim to the circumstance and is there is there a little bit of regret in there underneath you regret standing up for yourself in the past. And so therefore, you've learned helplessness, helplessness, helpless.
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Filly
Helplessness.
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Chris
How you've learned helplessness helplessly.
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Filly
Helplessly helpless.
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Chris
And you've regretted that. And with grief, you choose an action or way of of doing that is pleasing others and sacrificing your own needs. And is there a fear under there? What's the what's the fear? What's the anxiety that that predisposition of thought focussed on the future that is worried about something that might happen? And so you withdraw your own needs and meet the needs of others instead?
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Chris
Hmm. Or conversely, going back to the research, Hudson and Graham type to role are the type of helper You can come at this with love, you can come it come at these challenges in your life with love and peace and joy and happiness like that. Energy. The reason why I'm helping others is out of love, love for myself and then love for others.
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Chris
And I think if you've got that real pure energy behind what you what you do and who you're being, that's beautiful. You make the world shine. It's a it's a better place. But I feel like just really tapping into to what's that energy underneath, why you're doing what you're doing.
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Filly
Because if the energy is more of the negative of like those first lot of emotions that you spoke about earlier, then that's showing up. Dysfunctional is what Chris is kind of like showing. If it's showing up with love first and foremost for yourself and then as an overflow of that for others, then it's like, Oh, you're helping people in a healthy way.
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Chris
Love heals, love, love. You can't have this disease in the presence of love. Love, love makes it makes it beautiful and makes it just vanish and disappear. And and I feel like when when you're approaching this or when when you're a victim or a rescuer or showing up as the villain aggressor and you've got these negative emotions underneath, it plays out and shows up as a symptom in a body system, dysfunction.
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Filly
So let's talk about that, seeing as that's the ending body burn out show, how does this actually affect your physiology and your body if you're a chronic people pleaser in your life? Yeah, ticking all those boxes, you probably you will probably already know how this is affecting your body, but sometimes people are actually not that aware. So I want to talk about some specific body systems.
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Filly
All of these things we test and we re correct in our practice and they can get a pommel and you're saying yes to others way too often. So one would be your stress and your sex hormones can become really depleted because if you're constantly running around trying to make everyone else happy and saying yes and over.
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Chris
Stressful.
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Filly
To a lot of things and your basket is just getting way too full, you're absolutely going to burn yourself out. You're not going to have that time to rest and recover and look after your own self. First and foremost, I'll feel your own cup up.
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Chris
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So therefore, that implies that you're loving yourself first.
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Filly
And if you're not doing that, your hormones are cortisol and DHEA are used.
